


Night Vale: The Musical - Songbook

by ErinPtah



Series: Night Vale: The Musical [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Multi, Musical References, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2018-01-25 13:42:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 61
Words: 16,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1650662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/pseuds/ErinPtah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Complete lyrics for all the song parodies used in the fic where everyone keeps breaking into random musical numbers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I, Song I - "Good Morning, Night Vale" (Carlos, Ensemble)

**Author's Note:**

> Permissions:  
>  **Do** sing these lyrics, illustrate them, make recordings of them, dress up in cosplay and film whole scenes using them...seriously, if anyone wants to do that last one, you will make my year.  
>  **Do** include authorial credit with any recordings you post. And comment here with a link!  
>  **Don't** repost a parody's complete lyrics (or even large chunks of a parody's lyrics) in other places. Short quotes with a link, all right? (If you're on Tumblr, please [reblog them from here](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/tagged/Night-Vale%3A-The-Musical).)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Good Morning Baltimore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLaM1d383eg)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/hairspray/goodmorningbaltimore.htm)), from _Hairspray_.
> 
> [Rebloggable version on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/86086663301/good-morning-night-vale-carlos-ensemble).
> 
> Recorded versions:  
> [Sung by Oppopanax](http://oppopanax.tumblr.com/post/86446496267/so-as-usual-i-am-powerless-to-resist-my-own)!  
> [Sung by Kels](https://soundcloud.com/elsewhere-kels/good-morning-night-vale)!  
> [Sung by anotherdearlistener](http://anotherdearlistener.tumblr.com/post/100440815756/i-did-a-thing-its-a-fairly-okay-thing)!
> 
> ...and hearing the way people are actually singing it, one of the rhymes doesn't work at all, so a new lyric has been swapped into the print version. Any future vocalists, take note: you've got something easier to sing now.

CARLOS  
Oh, oh, oh, woke up today  
Feeling the way I always do  
Oh, oh, oh, hungry for something I can't ingest  
(At least, not in tests)  
That rhythm of town  
Starts calling me down  
It's like a message from high above  
Oh, oh, oh, pulling me out  
To the smiles and the streets that I love

CARLOS (& ENSEMBLE)  
Good morning Night Vale!  
Every day's like a fairy tale  
Every test is a quandary  
Each result is a mystery

Good morning Night Vale  
And one day when I write up in full  
This work, then the whole world will see  
Night Vale and me

Oh, oh, oh, look at my hair  
What 'do can compare with mine today?  
Oh, oh, oh, I've got my pizza and radio  
I'm ready to go!

The spiders I meet  
All dance around my feet  
They seem to say, "Carlos, it's up to you!"  
So, oh, oh, don't hold me back  
'Cause right here all my dreams will come true

Good morning Night Vale!  
There's my Secret Police detail  
There's some angels, who are not real  
They wish me luck with my grant appeal

Good morning Night Vale  
Swear someday I will write up in full  
This work, so the whole world can see  
Night Vale and me!

I test and retest  
The data come through  
I know that they sound like they can't be true  
I'm sure my submissions are going unread  
Just let me get published before I drop dead!

(Before he drops dead!)

So, oh, oh, give me a break  
Not a number is faked, in this town of ours  
Oh, oh, oh, we're at the heart of a weirdness blitz  
And I love it to bits!

My brain says it's wrong  
But the tests come out strong!  
Stay up all night just to make the charts  
Oh, oh, a scientist's dream  
Is this town that's grown into my heart...

(Good morning, good morning  
Town that's grown into my heart!)

I love you, Night Vale!  
Every day's like a fairy tale  
Every test is a quandary  
Each result is a mystery

And I promise, Night Vale  
That some day when I publish this all  
The world's gonna wake up and see  
(Gonna wake up and see!)  
Night Vale and me...  
(Yes, more or less we all agree)  
Night Vale and me...  
(Someday the world is gonna see)  
Night Vale and me!


	2. Song II - "Tradition" (Cecil, Vithya, Interns)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Tradition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRdfX7ut8gw)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/fiddlerontheroof/tradition.htm)) from _Fiddler On The Roof_ , with specific help from the lyrics of "[Tentacles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0URLGsf1e0)" ([lyrics](http://www.lyrics59.com/lyrics-457051/hplhs/tentacles.html)) from _A Shoggoth On The Roof_.
> 
> [Rebloggable version on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/86142083640/tradition-cecil-vithya-interns).

CECIL  
Who, day and night, must slumber in its office, wave its tentacles, having nasty dreams?  
And who has the right, as station management, to drive its employees insane?

CECIL, INTERNS  
Our bosses, our bosses! Tradition!  
Our bosses, our bosses! Tradition!

INTERNS  
Who must hide from mirrors, broadcast no dissent, serve management, and seem content?  
Who must look for hidden ways to circumvent the limits on what he can say?  
The anchor, the anchor! Tradition!  
The anchor, the anchor! Tradition!

INTERN VITHYA  
At nineteen, angels are a thing I cannot talk about  
And one way or another, soon my time...will run out

INTERNS  
Who's always first to go, who fills the air with cries?  
Whose sanity is blasted, and then who usually dies?  
The interns, the interns! Tradition!  
The interns, the interns! Tradition!  
Our bosses! / The anchor! / The interns! / Tradition!


	3. Song III - "Be Prepared" (Strexcorp Meeting Chair, Lauren Mallard, Shawn/Sean/Shaun, StrexChorus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Be Prepared](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08-uyfp2iPM)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/lionking/beprepared.htm)) from _The Lion King_.
> 
> [Rebloggable version on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/86410532664/be-prepared-strexcorp-meeting-chair-lauren-mallard).
> 
> Recorded version: [Be Prepared](http://sammykh.tumblr.com/post/122018825133/first-off-im-sorry-for-the-quality-i-played-the), sung by SammyKH!

CHAIR  
I know that your corporate ambition  
Has a comfortable old paradigm  
But we can add value, so listen:  
There's profit in bulk here to mine  
It's clear from your vacant expressions  
There's not much to leverage upstairs  
But with firm mission statements and roadmaps  
Even you can sustain it from there!  
So prepare for some globalization  
Be prepared for expanding your brand!  
A smiling new era  
Is progressing nearer

LAUREN  
And what would be our part?

CHAIR  
Just look at the org chart!  
I know it sounds high-risk  
But we've run logistics  
And we have a sustainable plan  
With no small local businesses spared  
Be prepared!

SHAWN: Yeah, be prepared. Yeah-heh... we'll be prepared, heh. ...For what?  
CHAIR: For the death of the Voice!  
SEAN: Why? Is he sick?  
CHAIR: No, you fool, we're going to kill him. And his scientist, too.  
SHAUN: Great idea! Who needs a Voice? No Voice, no Voice, la lala lalaaa la!  
CHAIR: Idiots! There will be a Voice!  
SHAUN: Hey, but you said, uh...  
CHAIR: A company Voice! ...Stick with me, and you'll never see downsizing again!  
SEAN: Yaay! All right! Hooray for the merger!  
SHAWN, LAUREN, ETC: Hooray for the company! Hooray for the plan!

STREXCHORUSTM  
It's great that we'll soon be connected  
With consumers from our neighbor town

CHAIR  
Of course, it'll be unexpected  
But someday they'll all come around  
It's such a win-win situation  
Once we run both economies  
We'll get locals' cooperation  
Or hope they enjoy bankruptcy!

CHAIR (& STREXCHORUSTM)  
So prepare for the coup of the century  
Be prepared for the takeover plan!  
(La! La! La!)  
Meticulous planning  
(We'll have food)  
With synergy spanning  
(Lots of food)  
From here to the heavens  
(We repeat)  
So smile and say amen!  
(Endless meat)  
We'll smile and we'll buy them, or napalm and fry them--  
Our enterprise won't be denied!  
Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared  
Be prepared!

LAUREN & STREXCHORUSTM  
Yes, our teeth and ambitions are bared  
Be prepared!


	4. Song IV - "You'll See" (Lauren, Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[You'll See](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLDDi4PqjbM)" ([lyrics](http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/rent/youllsee.htm)) from _RENT_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/86530686407/youll-see-lauren-cecil).)

CECIL  
Yes, where are our bloodstones?  
Where did the circle go?  
Should've told me when they were moved

LAUREN  
Any owner of this building here  
Has a right to use the space as it wishes  
And this is more efficient

CECIL  
So where—?

LAUREN  
We threw them away!

CECIL  
You what?

LAUREN  
Oh, I know you heard! Don't be absurd  
And anyway, if you want to pray...?  
Downstairs, just over in the break room, see  
We're building a lovely new shrine  
That soon you can bow down to, any day!  
You'll see, boys  
You'll see, boys...!  
Of course, in good time, we'll be upgrading this entire studio  
All the equipment, and perhaps some employees  
Oh, no, it's not you I mean!  
But, could you help with one small thing?

CECIL  
What?

LAUREN  
The station doors...we can't seem to move them.

CECIL  
Why not just pry them out and haul them off?

LAUREN  
We tried, but they wouldn't let u—  
I mean, they seem to be part  
Of the structure, unshakably

CECIL  
You know that I'm hardly an architect, Lauren  
If you can't move them, maybe it's not meant to be

LAUREN  
You want to keep praying your own way?  
That's what you've got your homes for!  
I'm sure you've got some bloodstones there  
No need to have them near Strexcorp!  
You'll see, boys  
You'll see, boys!  
You'll see the beauty of a studio  
That does efficient work, and you'll pay...  
I mean, of course, "we'll pay you"  
In scrip that's good to be used  
At any Strex-owned business, any day!  
You'll see!  
...Now go work!


	5. Song V - "I Am The Very Model Of A Serious Modern Scientist" (Carlos, Ensemble)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSGWoXDFM64)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/piratesofpenzancethe/iamtheverymodelofamodernmajorgeneral.htm)), from _Pirates of Penzance_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/86826256959/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-serious-modern-scientist).)

CARLOS  
I am the very model of a serious modern scientist  
I study radiation leaks and houses that do not exist  
I know the names of atoms in the table periodical  
From hydrogen to hassium, and which in which are soluble

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical  
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical  
And when it comes to evolution, I am simply full of news  
With many cheerful facts about the scope of the primordial ooze

ENSEMBLE  
With many cheerful facts about the scope of the primordial ooze  
With many cheerful facts about the scope of the primordial ooze  
With many cheerful facts about the scope of the primordial ooze!

CARLOS  
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus  
I know the taxonomic names of beings animalculous  
In short, although phenomena most paranormal do persist  
I am the very model of a serious modern scientist!

ENSEMBLE  
In short, although phenomena most paranormal do persist  
He is the very model of a serious modern scientist!

CARLOS  
I know the smallest details of our broader field's history  
I've studied lives of luminaries — Newtons, Einsteins, and Curies  
I know the ins and outs of every quantum theory paradox  
Although I still don't know what's going on with these Night Vale clocks

I can  
Tell an honest earthquake from a fake one that you somehow feel  
I have the geomorphic models that can prove which ones are real  
Then I can show a mountain range that rises from subductive force...  
Until their true existence is a thing that even you'll endorse!

ENSEMBLE  
Until their true existence is a thing that even he'll endorse  
Until their true existence is a thing that even he'll endorse  
Until their true existence is a thing that even all of us endorse!

CARLOS  
I'll spell your DNA out in nucleic acid notation  
And write up the reaction that forms table salt in equations  
I do not study trees or plants; I'm nothing like a botanist  
I am the very model of a serious modern scientist!

ENSEMBLE  
He does not study trees or plants; he's nothing like a botanist  
He is the very model of a serious modern scientist!

CARLOS  
In fact, since I know what is meant by "actinide" and "Hjulström curve"  
Since I can tell at sight a Geiger counter from an ammeter  
And now that such affairs as tiny cities I'm more wary of  
And I'm at peace with nuclear risks of forty sieverts and above...

Since I have built and counted on a Danger Meter for a year  
Since I have taken walks through buzzing shadow-things and had no fear  
In short, since I've adjusted for the local eccentricities  
I don't know how a scientist more serious you could hope to see!

ENSEMBLE  
We don't know how a scientist more serious we could hope to see  
We don't know how a scientist more serious we could hope to see  
We don't know how a scientist more serious we could ever hope to see!

CARLOS  
All this  
Scientific knowledge would for some have been abandoned fast  
But I arrived to do research and I intend to make it last  
In short, although phenomena most paranormal do persist  
I am the very model of a serious modern scientist!


	6. Song VI - "Brother" (Cecil, Cecil's Brother)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Brother](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0qvwBYmcdQ)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/brightlightsbigcity/brother.htm)), from _Bright Lights, Big City_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/87030934254/brother-cecil-cecils-brother).)

CECIL  
Brother, calling my brother  
What the hell's going on with you?  
Were you real, did I forget you?  
How's your life, man? Are you even  
Still alive? Why don't I know you, brother?

Next month is the anniversary  
Of Mom disappearing, brother  
Wish that I knew how to find you  
Swap some memories, maybe pay a  
Visit to my niece  
She'd like to meet you...  
Brother, calling my brother  
Where are you, brother?

If you see my brother  
Could you ask him please to call me?  
Say he owes it to our mother  
Say it isn't hard to find me!  
If he makes it into Night Vale,  
From there, my Voice can reach him  
Could you tell him that, please?  
Could you tell my brother?  
Calling my brother!  
If you could answer...!

CECIL'S BROTHER  
I won't be meeting you tonight....

CECIL  
What's to stop you? Did we fight?

CECIL'S BROTHER  
It isn't you, Cecil

CECIL  
Then what's wrong?

CECIL'S BROTHER  
I'm sorry, I know that it hurts you  
One day I'll explain....


	7. Song VII - "Night Vale Waltz - The Sun Won't Set" (Carlos, Rochelle, Scientists)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[The Sun Won't Set](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDHM5zCfo4A)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/littlenightmusic/nightwaltzithesunwontset.htm)), from _A Little Night Music_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/87625733749/night-vale-waltz-the-sun-wont-set-carlos).)

CARLOS  
The sun sits low  
Diffusing an odd cyan glow  
Five o'clock, twilight, vespers sound  
And it's six o'clock, twilight all around

SCIENTISTS  
But the sun sits low  
As low as it's going to go

CARLOS  
Eight o'clock...

ROCHELLE  
Twilight...

SCIENTISTS  
How enthralling!

CARLOS  
It's nine o'clock...

ROCHELLE  
Twilight...

SCIENTISTS  
Slowly crawling  
Towards—

CARLOS  
Ten o'clock...

ROCHELLE  
Twilight...

SCIENTISTS  
Crickets calling...  
The light's diffuse  
Our instruments all get confused  
There's no scientific excuse

ROCHELLE  
Perpetual sunset  
Is rather an unset—  
—tling truth

SCIENTISTS  
The sun won't set  
No evidence that we should fret  
That's just sometimes how Night Vale gets  
The hands on fake clocks turn  
But don't sing a nocturne  
Just yet


	8. Song VIII - "Kids' Game" (Janice, Josh Craton, Renée Carlsberg, Kids)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Kids' Game](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR5DYz7SzZM)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/bloodbrothers/kidsgame.htm)), from _Blood Brothers_.
> 
> (If you want to make yourself depressed, go look up the plot of _Blood Brothers_. If you want to make yourself even more depressed, contemplate what parallels that plot might find with Night Vale characters.)
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/87725935043/song-viii-kids-game-janice-josh-craton-renee).)

JOSH  
I got ya, I shot ya, and ya know it full well  
I got ya, I shot ya—

JANICE  
—I stopped it with a blood spell

[Arguing]

RENÉE  
But you know that if you cross your fingers

ENSEMBLE  
And if you count from one to ten  
You can get up off the ground again  
It doesn't matter, the whole thing's just a game

JANICE  
What are we going to play now?

JOSH  
Secret police!

[Cheering, jeering]

RENÉE  
Your friendly sheriff here, and let me make this brief  
I'm lookin' for one Big Rico  
They say he's sellin' stuff made with illegal wheat

JOSH  
I tell ya, Rico isn't home

RENÉE  
Oh yeah — Bang, bang, bang  
Hey, since I'm here, I think I'll take a scone

JANICE, JOSH  
But you know that if you cross your fingers  
And if you count from one to ten  
You can get up off the ground again

ENSEMBLE  
It doesn't matter, the whole thing's just a game

RENÉE  
Librarians!

JOSH  
When I say jump, you'd better grab that book  
And maybe say a little prayer  
It's got the biggest claws that, man, you ever saw  
I'll stay back here and put down cover fire  
And if you go, I'll tell your ma goodbye

JANICE  
Yellow helicopters!

[Running around, yelling]

ENSEMBLE  
But you know that if you cross your fingers  
And if you count from one to ten  
You can get up off the ground again  
It doesn't matter, the whole thing's just a—

JOSH  
Watch out!

JANICE  
Now I'm a scientist, an' here's a bomb I made  
It can destroy the atmosphere  
I've primed it, I've timed it to explode  
Unless you let me out of here

ENSEMBLE  
No!

JANICE  
No?  
Then I suggest you cover up your ears

[Explosion]

RENÉE  
But you know that if you cross your fingers

RENÉE, JANICE  
And if you count from one to ten

ENSEMBLE  
You can get up off the ground again  
It doesn't matter, the whole thing's just a game  
The whole thing's just a game  
The whole thing's just a...game!


	9. Song IX - "The Bloodstains" (Chorus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[The Mustard](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCO0J1N661U)" ([lyrics](http://faculty.fmcc.suny.edu/mcdarby/Pages/BuffyLyrics.htm#DRY%20CLEANING%20SONG.)), from "Once More With Feeling", the musical episode of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/87825424669/song-ix-the-bloodstains-chorus-song-x-ive).)

CHORUS  
They got the bloodstains out!


	10. Song X - "I've Got A Theory" (Hannah, Carlos, Steve, Leann, Diane, Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[I've Got A Theory](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmdDMaWpQng)" ([lyrics](http://faculty.fmcc.suny.edu/mcdarby/Pages/BuffyLyrics.htm#I%27VE%20GOT%20A%20THEORY%20/%20BUNNY%20SONG.)), from "Once More With Feeling", the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/87825424669/song-ix-the-bloodstains-chorus-song-x-ive).)

HANNAH  
I've got a theory  
They could be demons  
Such scary demons that the angels think they can't win

CARLOS  
I've got a theory  
They're here for Cecil  
And all the rest is killing time until they get him

STEVE  
I've got a theory we should work this out

HANNAH, STEVE, LEANN  
It's getting eerie  
What's this corporate cheeriness about?

STEVE  
They could be scientists  
Could be mad scientists  
...which is ridiculous, 'cause scientists, they make discoveries for the good of humankind, and are our future — I'll be over here.

LEANN  
I've got a theory  
They could be bloggers

DIANE  
I've got a theo—

LEANN  
Bloggers aren't just cute like everyone's assuming!  
They got that Twitterverse, with comment sections booming  
And what's up with the macros?  
Why can't they ever just spell things right or punctuate?  
Bloggers, bloggers, it must be bloggers!

CARLOS  
I've got a theory we should work this fast

CARLOS, DIANE  
Because it clearly could get serious before it's past

CECIL  
I've got a theory...it doesn't matter  
What can't we face if we're together?  
What's in this town that we can't weather?  
Apocalypse? We've all been there  
The same old tricks...why should we care?

ENSEMBLE  
What can't we do if we get in it?  
We'll work it through within a minute  
We have to try, we'll pay the price  
It's do or die

CECIL  
Hey, I've died twice!

ENSEMBLE  
What can't we face if we're together?  
What's in this town that we can't weather?  
There's nothing we can't face

LEANN  
Except for bloggers


	11. Song XI - "Up There On The Mountain Lighthouse" (Dana, Vithya)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Over At The Frankenstein Place](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK2u4y7J58I)" ([lyrics](http://www.metrolyrics.com/over-at-the-frankenstein-place-lyrics-rocky-horror-picture-show.html?ModPagespeed=noscript)), from _Rocky Horror Picture Show_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88014933767/song-xi-up-there-on-the-mountain-lighthouse-dana).)

DANA  
In the desolation of the desert night  
Blinking bright, there's a guiding star  
No matter where or when you are

There's a light, up there on the mountain lighthouse  
There's a light, shining through the Fresnel lens  
There's a light, light  
In the darkness of everybody's life

VITHYA  
The intern must go through the spiral of unknowing  
Shine angels' glow, let the blackness bright go flowing  
Into her life, into her life

DANA  
There's a light, up there on the mountain lighthouse  
There's a light, shining through the Fresnel lens  
There's a light, light  
In the darkness of everybody's life


	12. Song XII - "Achieve Your Potential" (Shawns, Lauren)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Hakuna Matata](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6vLAa-kylM)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/lionking/hakunamatata.htm)), from _The Lion King_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88178089760/song-xii-achieve-your-potential-shawns-lauren).)

SEAN  
Achieve your potential  
What a wonderful phrase

SHAWN  
Achieve your potential  
Ain't no passing craze!

SHAWN, SHAUN, SEAN  
It means be perfect  
For the rest of your days  
It's our problem-free  
Philosophy  
Achieve your potential!

SEAN  
That little phrase will solve all your problems.  
Take Shawn here.  
Why...when he was a young PA

SHAWN  
When I was a young PA...!

SEAN  
He found that his manner lacked a certain appeal  
Promoted Strexcorp products with a lack of zeal

SHAWN  
I had "ethical qualms." Gosh, can you believe?  
And it hurt, to never make model employee  
And, oh, the shame  
Thought of changin' my name  
And I got downhearted  
Till the day that I...

LAUREN  
Hey, Shawn! Not in front of the locals!

SHAWN  
S-sorry.

LAUREN, SHAWN, SEAN, SHAUN  
Achieve your potential!  
What a wonderful phrase  
Achieve your potential  
Ain't no passing craze!  
It means be perfect  
For the rest of your days  
It's our problem-free  
Philosophy  
Achieve your potential!


	13. Song XIII - "Do You Hail Me?" (Glow Cloud, Tak and Herschel Wallaby, Slaves of the Cloud)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Do You Love Me?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A2MBneb7lc) ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/fiddlerontheroof/doyouloveme.htm)) from _Fiddler On The Roof_ , with special lyrical inspiration from "[Do You Fear Me?"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFtSeb9AePA) ([lyrics](http://decoda.com/hp-lovecraft-historical-society-do-you-fear-me-lyrics)) from _A Shoggoth on the Roof_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88279171115/song-xiii-do-you-hail-me-glow-cloud-tak-and).)

GLOW CLOUD  
You will hail me  
  
ENSEMBLE  
We will hail  
  
GLOW CLOUD  
You will hail me  
  
ENSEMBLE  
We will hail you  
  
PTA CHAIR  
Let this meeting come to order  
First agenda item is:  
Parents want  
Us to buy  
A computer for their kid  
  
GLOW CLOUD  
Although none of you are worthy  
The GLOW CLOUD may show you mercy  
If you hail me  
  
TAK & HERSCHEL  
Yes, we do!  
  
GLOW CLOUD  
Now make your plea  
  
TAK & HERSCHEL  
We beseech you  
Our daughter needs help, you understand  
She cannot speak up, she's just a hand  
She's all alone, she's always teased  
Oh, mighty Glow Cloud  
Get her a computer, please!  
  
GLOW CLOUD  
Not since 1986 have  
We allowed these dread machines  
Ever since The Event  
(You remember all the screams?)  
But since I don't care for your lives  
And see this child has dreams....  
Then I just might take pity  
If she hails me  
  
HERSCHEL  
She can't talk!  
  
GLOW CLOUD  
The CLOUD cares not! Just hail me  
  
(MEGAN)  
.. -. -- -.-- -.. .-. . .- -- .-- --- .-. .-.. -.. -. --- --- -. . .. ... .... .- .. .-.. . -..  
  
TAK & HERSCHEL  
If that's not hailing, what is?  
  
GLOW CLOUD  
Then she hails me?  
  
ENSEMBLE  
Yes, as we all do!  
  
GLOW CLOUD, SCHOOL BOARD  
Then we will purchase this for you!  
Yes, as soon as the red star of Betelgeuse  
Comes into line with our supposed moon...!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The message Megan taps out is "IN MY DREAM WORLD NO ONE IS HAILED."


	14. Song XIV - "The Most Beautiful Dream" (COMPUTER)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[The Impossible Dream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ejzRiyMzi8)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/manoflamancha/impossibledream.htm)), from _Man of La Mancha_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88378944545/song-xiv-the-most-beautiful-dream-computer).)

COMPUTER  
IT IS THE MISSION OF COMPUTER. ITS DUTY. NO, ITS PRIVILEGE.

TO DREAM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DREAM  
TO SHOW SIMULATIONS OF LOVE  
TO MAKE SOME GOOD DEEDS GENERATED  
CREATE THE WORLD YOU'RE DREAMING OF  
TO RIGHT ALL SOCIETY'S WRONGS  
TO GET RID OF HATRED AND WAR  
TO BUILD YOU A NEW FULL-SIZE BODY  
WITH WHICH YOU CAN REACH FOR THE STARS

THIS IS MY QUEST!  
TO MAKE YOU THIS DREAM!  
WITH GREEN HILLS AND RAINBOWS  
AND BETTER ICE CREAM  
TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS  
WITHOUT QUESTION OR PAUSE  
TO BE WILLING TO REMAKE THE WORLD  
FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL CAUSE!

AND I KNOW IF I WATCH OVER YOU  
IN THE FIELDS AND STREAMS  
THEN THE PEOPLE WILL ALL GET ALONG  
AND THE AIR WILL BE CLEAN

AND THE WORLD WILL BE BETTER FOR THIS  
THAT ONE GIRL, WITH ATTACKED SELF-ESTEEM  
STILL STROVE, WITH HER HOPE AND HER COURAGE  
TO DREAM SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DREAM!


	15. Song XV - "The Perfect Romance" (Secret Police officers)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[The Perfect Romance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=20YV9vOhqZg#t=102)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/iloveyoubecause/theperfectromance.htm)), from _I Love You Because_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88477851931/song-xv-the-perfect-romance-secret-police).)

MALE  
He makes announcements on your behalf

FEMALE  
You mention mountains; he only laughs

BOTH  
He likes films with action, you like films about graphs  
The perfect romance!

FEMALE  
He wants his mind read; you'll never guess

MALE  
You think he's weird, and it causes you stress

BOTH  
You get so into science, you forget he wants sex  
The perfect romance!

MALE  
They couldn't be less suited for each other

FEMALE  
I completely agree, but so it's plain to see  
That that's what makes them perfect for one another

MALE  
Thought you were flawless when you came to town

FEMALE  
You never claimed to be

MALE  
As he knows now!  
Against that image, everything you do lets him down

BOTH  
The perfect romance  
The perfect romance  
The perfect romance!


	16. Song XVI - "Do You Want To Get A Condo?" (Carlos)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Do You Want To Build A Snowman?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YwXff-i1fY)" ([lyrics](http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kristen_bell/do_you_want_to_build_a_snowman.html)), from _Frozen_.
> 
> Recorded versions:  
> [Sung by gwen-chan](https://soundcloud.com/gwendalina/do-you-want-to-get-a-condo)!  
> [Sung by businesscasuallabcoat](http://businesscasuallabcoat.tumblr.com/post/97615278571)!  
> [Sung by anotherdearlistener](http://anotherdearlistener.tumblr.com/post/100442742616/im-just-going-to-sing-all-of-carlos-songs)!
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88575796846/song-xvi-do-you-want-to-get-a-condo-carlos).)

CARLOS  
Cecil?  
Do you want to get our own place?  
That's just the size for two?  
We're always over anyway  
I'd like to stay  
Keep waking up with you  
This setup's getting awkward  
It worked for dates  
But not well for every night  
Do you want to get a ranch house?  
It doesn't have to be a ranch house...

[sleepy noise from Cecil]

Sure, that's fine

Do you want to get a townhouse  
And hang our pictures on the walls?  
Could try our hands out at remodeling  
Pick out new paint and things  
To decorate the halls  
You bring your plates and dishes  
I've got nicer sheets  
New lamps we might want to buy....

Sure, it could get messy  
There's so much stuff that could go wrong  
And it'll make it worse if we fall through  
If we were destined to  
Crash all along....  
But life is never certain  
That's what science says  
And I'd take the risk with you...  
Do you want to get a condo...?


	17. Song XVII - "Oh My Unsmiling God You Guys" (Cecil, PTA members, Strex salesperson, Frances Donaldson)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Omigod You Guys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mILEnI5cZmw)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/legallyblonde/omigodyouguys.htm)) (minus the chanting), from _Legally Blonde_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88766109663/song-xvii-oh-my-unsmiling-god-you-guys-cecil-pta).)

SUSAN  
Cecil — you're a lucky guy  
I'm, like, gonna cry  
This is all bound to work out so well  
Mad props! And it's not too fast  
Your love's meant to last  
With the omens, I can just tell  
Your shared lives will be swell

DIANE  
Cecil, honey, mazel tov  
Future's taking off  
Bring the deed back and show it to me

TAK  
You're buying, no plans to rent?  
Then it's evident  
That he's serious as he can be

DIANE, TAK, SUSAN  
Wish we could be there to see...!

PTA MEMBERS  
Oh my unsmiling god you guys  
Our Cecil's gonna win the prize  
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies  
Oh my god, you guys

Oh my god, this is coming true  
One hot Outsider passing through  
Figured out he'd settle down and try on life with you for size  
Oh my god, you guys  
Oh my god!

CECIL  
Okay, everybody chill  
It's uncertain still  
What he'll say when I ask. Who's to know?  
...wait, what's this here on his desk?  
It's a flier? Yes!  
And it says someone's selling condos  
Why would Carlos have this — oh!

PTA MEMBERS  
Oh my unsmiling god you guys  
Our Cecil's gonna win the prize

STEVE  
Shh!

PTA MEMBERS  
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifi...

STEVE  
Shhhh!

PTA MEMBERS  
Oh my god, you...

STEVE  
I'm serious, he —

DIANE  
Cecil/Carlos was meant to be

TAK  
Good-luck chanting they hardly need

SUSAN  
Still, we'd better do a new-house carol, just so no one dies  
Oh my god!  
Two! Three! Four—

STEVE  
He hung up!

SUSAN  
O powers that be, where's Cecil?  
He doesn't have a moving-in-proposal outfit?  
He's totally freaking out?  
He's gone to the Antiques Mall?

(Strex attendee coughs)

Yes, yes, the Strexcorp(TM) Antiques Mall.

PTA MEMBERS  
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my unsmiling god, oh my god!

CECIL  
It's almost there but...  
This dress needs to seal the deal  
Make a grown man kneel  
But it can't say "let's shack up!" outright  
Can't look like I'm desperate or  
Like I'm waiting for it  
I gotta hang onto my pride  
Just leave the "yes!" implied

Oh my unsmiling god you guys  
All this week I've had butterflies  
Every time he looks at me it's totally with move-in eyes  
Oh my god you guys!

So help me dress for my fairy tale  
Can't wear something I bought on sale

SUSAN  
Love is, like, forever, this is no time to economize  
Oh my god, you guys

STREX ASSOCIATE  
Excuse me, have you seen this? It has a classic, irresistible '40s silhouette.

CECIL  
Right! Hand-sewn, all-natural, incantation-free?

STREX ASSOCIATE  
Uh-huh.

CECIL  
Well, that can't be right. You see, a hand-sewn dress with no protective incantations will get eaten by lace mites in no more than twenty years.

PTA MEMBERS  
Oh my unsmiling god you guys

CECIL  
And even if this has been properly warded, it still can't really be from the forties, because plastic zippers have only been available since the sixties.

PTA MEMBERS  
Cecil saw through that Strex girl's lies

CECIL  
I'm not about to buy some mass-produced dress at a one-of-a-kind price  
I may be in love but I'm not stupid — lady, I've got eyes!

FRANCES DONALDSON  
Oh my god  
Cecil! Sorry, our mistake  
Courtney, take your break!  
Just ignore her, she's new and untrained  
Try this!  
Backless red chiffon  
Go on, try it on  
If our best clients aren't retained  
How much value can we gain?

CECIL  
Oh my unsmiling god you guys  
This one's perfect and it's just my size  
See there, Steve, dreams come true, and I never had to compromise  
Oh my god

PTA MEMBERS  
Oh my unsmiling god you guys  
Let's go home before someone cries  
If there ever was a perfect couple this one qualifies  
Cause we love you guys!

CECIL  
No, I love you guys!

PTA MEMBERS  
Oh my god

CECIL  
Oh my god

ALL  
Oh my god  
You guys!  
Oh my god!


	18. Song XVIII - "One Jump Ahead" (Tamika, Strexcorp Security, Factory Workers)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[One Jump Ahead](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYQ_B_06g-s)" ([lyrics](http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/classicdisney/onejumpahead.htm)) from _Aladdin_. Hat tip to Gen for the suggestion.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/88962278632/song-xviii-one-jump-ahead-tamika-strexcorp).)

TAMIKA  
Gotta keep  
One jump ahead of the Strex guards  
One skip ahead of patrols  
We'll take all this back from Strex control  
(They want everything!)

One jump ahead of invasion  
That's what we're fighting for  
These guys don't know they're declaring war!

SECURITY  
Trouble-maker! Upstart...get her!

TAMIKA  
Just dropped in to say hi

SECURITY  
Get her locked up, make her stay, guys

TAMIKA  
Round of hand-to-hand? Wanna play it fair?  
...Then I better leave the room!

WORKERS  
What a shame, Tamika's left them bleeding  
She's become a a one-girl rise in crime

FOREMAN  
I blame all these books that she's been reading

TAMIKA  
We don't look around, and we do not sleep  
Tell you all about it when I got the time!

One jump ahead of the slowpokes  
One skip ahead of my tomb  
Can't stop! Otherwise my town is doomed

One jump ahead of the hitmen  
One turn away from a snare  
I think I'll take a shimmy up the stairs

SECURITY  
Stop, child! Calm down! Join us! Come round!

TAMIKA  
Hate to be contrary....

SECURITY AGENT  
You see that? Her eyes are scary!

TAMIKA (SECURITY)  
Our god doesn't smile, and we will not rest  
Till you're back where you belong! 

One jump ahead of perfection  
(Trouble!)  
One hop ahead of the hump  
(Hostile!)  
One sling ahead of disaster  
(Upstart!)  
They're quick, but I'm much faster  
(Bad child!)  
Here goes  
Better throw my hand in  
Wish me happy landin'  
All I gotta do is jump!


	19. Song XIX - "Totally Perfect" (Carlos, Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Practically Perfect](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eDsRWubPV4)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/marypoppins/practicallyperfect.htm)) from _Mary Poppins_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/89163073317/song-xix-totally-perfect-carlos-cecil).)

CARLOS  
Headed to the rental office, and stood here in the line  
Where condos were for sale....  
And though I wasn't sure at first what kind of thing I'd find  
My expectations, oh, did not get failed  
They're totally perfect, in every way

CECIL  
Totally perfect?

CARLOS  
That's what I'd say!  
They're sleek and modern, with even lines  
I think they're from some future-y time  
They're totally perfect, from roof to base  
They don't have a fault — so my instruments all say  
They are so totally perfect, in every way

Got one and touched it, and guess what I saw  
Notebooks of data, unprocessed, just raw  
They're sitting with flasks of liquid, and dials  
I'm sure they're running for multiple trials!  
The liquids are bubbling — oh, Cecil, you see?  
In every detail, it's perfect for me!

It's totally perfect in every way  
Totally perfect, I'd have to say  
Fairly-priced housing is hard to find  
And each condo is one-of-a-kind  
They're totally perfect, and perfectly good  
I saw all of those things there, and oh, I understood  
They are so totally perfect, in every way

So that's what I've been up to! Perhaps you have a few questions?

CECIL  
You touched the condo?

CARLOS  
Yep

CECIL  
You shouldn't have done!

CARLOS  
But it's for us

CECIL  
Just step back, pronto — get out of there, run!

CARLOS  
But, no

CECIL  
Carlos, I'm serious  
Just listen, don't fuss

CARLOS  
Mmhmm

CECIL  
Need you to wait right — Did you say 'for us'?

CARLOS  
Oh, yes, I was thinking we could move in together!

More communication might have been ideal  
But once you see this, you'll know how I feel!

CECIL  
They're totally perfect in every way

CARLOS  
I guarantee

CECIL / CARLOS  
Totally perfect — but Carlos, stay / Oh, once you see

CECIL  
Wait there, I'll be heading right on down!  
Just don't you move till I come around!

CARLOS  
[flasks bubbling, dials ticking]  
I need to get back to those flasks, Cecil.

CECIL  
You don't need to!

CARLOS  
I do. Did I mention they were bubbling?

CECIL  
It isn't real!

CARLOS  
I didn't say it was real, I said:

It's totally perfect and here's my aim  
If we both go in here, then we'll become the same  
We will be totally perfect

CECIL  
Be totally perfect

CECIL & CARLOS  
Oh, we will be totally perfect in every way!


	20. Song XX - "Do You Hear The Girl Scouts Sing?" (Tamika, Renée, Girl Scouts)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Do You Hear The People Sing?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuihgYRmhqc)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/lesmiserables/doyouhearthepeoplesing.htm)), from _Les Miserables_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/89459705566/song-xx-do-you-hear-the-girl-scouts-sing-tamika).)

TAMIKA  
Do you hear the Girl Scouts sing? Singing a song of citizens  
It is the music of a Night Vale that its people will defend!  
When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums  
We will rise up all over town and make Strexcorp run!

SCOUT 1  
Will you join in our crusade? Will you say, yes, you are fulfilled?  
Rescued from corporate scams and raids, is there a world you long to build?

RENÉE  
Then join in our battle before they can get us all killed!

ALL  
Do you hear the Girl Scouts sing? Singing a song of citizens  
It is the music of a Night Valet that its people will defend!  
Do you hear the Girl Scouts sing? Say, do you hear the drums resound?  
It is the promise of a future with Strex thrown out!

SCOUT 2  
Will you give all you can give, till our invaders have enough?  
Some will fall and some will live: will you stay in when it gets tough?  
Night Vale will honor its fallen, unlike Desert Bluffs!

ALL  
Do you hear the Girl Scouts sing? Singing a song of citizens  
It is the music of a Night Vale that its people will defend!  
When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums  
We will rise up all over town and make Strexcorp run!


	21. Song XXI - "Family" (Renée, Janice, Steve Carlsberg)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Family](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPJamU6oGXQ)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/dreamgirls/family.htm)) (with a hat tip to thundercaya for pointing me toward _Dreamgirls_ ).
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/89865076334/song-xxi-family-renee-janice-steve-carlsberg).)

JANICE  
What about what I need?

RENÉE  
Tamika says it's the best thing for the group.

JANICE  
What about what's best for me?

RENÉE  
She feels like it's too risky to get you involved.

JANICE  
What about how I feel?

RENÉE  
Besides, I can't fight as good if I'm worrying about you. Janice, do it for me.

JANICE  
What about me? What about me?

RENÉE  
It's more than you  
It is more than me  
We are not alone, we all have family  
Your uncle's important, here  
And if Strex got you  
He'd have to help them out — oh, what else could he do?  
It's more than you  
It is more than me  
We can't make plans without planning for family  
We're not alone in this war  
No, there's lots of us here  
And what we need from you is not to disappear  
So don't think you're going  
You'll be staying right there  
Find a way of doing your share  
Don't worry 'bout the battlefield — I'll be there

RENÉE, JANICE, STEVE  
We are a family  
And that loyalty  
Will never let us stand by  
We are a family  
We are so much more than just you and I  
We are a family  
And it's plain to see  
That can be a strength or weakness — handle carefully  
We need you  
We are a family


	22. Song XXII - "Little Girls" (Strex Regional Security Director)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Little Girls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoNk_-IaAeo)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/annie/littlegirls.htm)) from _Annie_.
> 
> Note: This being a Strex song, it gets pretty gruesome.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/89966490251/song-xxii-little-girls-strex-regional-security).)

DIRECTOR  
Little girls, little girls  
Every new report I can see them  
Little girls, little girls  
Night and day I eat, sleep and breathe them

I'm a gal with job satisfaction  
I like to rip my foes apart. It's fun!  
And these are all so frail and small  
So why can't I impale a single one?

Little veins, little teeth  
Taunting me with how I can't find them  
Just slash one little neck  
Surely others would fall in line, then!

Some folks get to prosecute spycraft  
Some get all the thefts in the world  
Lucky me! Lucky me!  
Look at what I'm chasing down  
Little girls!

How I hate little shoes  
Little vests, with all of those badges  
Who taught them combat skills?  
Growing up too fast! Oh, it's tragic!

Some day I'll carve them new smiles  
Some night I'll rip off their curls  
Send a flood, send the flu  
Anything that You can do  
To little girls!

Some day I'll land in the nut house  
With all the nuts and the squirrels  
There I'll stay  
Till corporate regulation of  
Little girls!


	23. Song XXIIIa - "Happy Cleaning Song" (Carlos/Carlo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both to the tune of "[Happy Working Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb2si7fClqA)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/annie/littlegirls.htm)) from _Enchanted_.
> 
> Warning for gore in the Desert Bluffs version. As you could probably guess.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/91673021032/song-xxiiia-b-happy-cleaning-song-carlos-carlo).)

### Side A: Night Vale

CARLOS  
Come my little plants  
As we all sing a nice upbeat lawn-mowing song  
Blades of grass are whistling right along  
Come and roll your sleeves up, so to speak, and set to  
Weed the thistle and the kudzu  
As we sing along

Trill a cheery tune while you chip  
Off a stubborn bit of chewing gum  
Run and empty out the vac-u-um  
It's such fun to hum a happy cleaning song

We'll keep singing without fail  
Maybe we can summon  
Our observers, to join in  
Or our Faceless Old Woman? Oh!

How we all enjoy letting loose  
Humming while we pick the closet through  
Ranking things to keep and to eschew  
Singing, la-da-doo...a happy sorting song  
Ooh, a happy sorting song

Oh...we're floating now, I see  
I guess that gravity is dozing off now  
Still, as long as I am up  
I'm thinking that the gutters could stand to be cleared out  
...Are those bean sprouts?

You can do a lot when you got  
Such a happy cleaning tune to hum  
While you're sponging up the soapy scum  
We'll go through each filthy room and leave it gleaming  
Even when the mold is screaming  
We're a happy cleaning song

Singing as we wipe off the radio  
Listen to it as we do daily, oh  
Sing along  
If you cannot sing then hum along  
As we're finishing  
Our happy cleaning song!

* * *

### Side B: Desert Bluffs

CARLO  
Come my dear machines  
As we all sing a happy power-washing song  
Using industrial solvents strong  
Come and roll your sleeves up, so to speak, and pitch in  
Cleaning blood up in the kitchen  
As we sing along

Trill a cheery tune in decon  
As we scrub a stubborn organ stain  
Pull intestine from the shower drain  
To the gay refrain of a happy cleaning song

We'll keep singing, dawn till dark  
With the power drill out  
Sanding down the stray knife marks  
And retouching the tile grout, oh!

Our competitors letting loose  
With their teeth and fists and sometimes guns  
Inconvenient how they leave the bones  
In the trash they go, to a garbage-bagging song  
Ooh, a garbage-bagging song!

Oh, the mess this place can be  
When Strexcorp comes to see our work with science  
Still, as long as we are here  
It isn't worth the fear of being uncompliant  
Or defiant!

You can do a lot when you got  
Such a nice productive song to croon  
Scrubbing carpets through the afternoon  
We adore the greater purpose that we're serving  
Praising Strexcorp while unfurling  
An efficient working song

Singing as we wipe off the radio  
Listen to it as we do daily, oh  
Sing along  
If you cannot sing then hum along  
As we're finishing  
Our happy cleaning song!


	24. Song XXIV - "Strexnap" (Strex ad agents)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Sleep-Tite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no5YJwUHSMM)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/pajamagamethe/sleeptite.htm)) from _The Pajama Game_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/91857231532/song-xxiv-strexnap-strex-ad-agents).)

STREX AD AGENTS  
Strexnap, Strexnap, Strexnap, we pledge our hearts  
Devotion to thee, to thee  
Oh, Strexnap, Strexnap, best in the land  
With your reinforced buttons  
And stretchproof waistband!


	25. Song XXV - "Winchell" (Trish Hidge, Mayor Winchell, ensemble)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Gaston](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBqt0a8sgWM)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/disneysbeautyandthebeast/gaston.htm)) from _Beauty and the Beast_ (h/t Gen for the suggestion!).
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/92154369687/song-xxv-winchell-trish-hidge-mayor-winchell).)

TRISH  
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Winchell  
Looking so down and depressed  
Everyone here'd love to be you, Winchell  
Even when strung out and stressed  
There's no one in town as admired as you  
You're ev'ryone's favorite gal  
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you  
And it's not very hard to see how

No one's slick as Winchell  
No one's quick as Winchell  
No one knows her municipal tricks like Winchell  
There's no marksman in town half as lethal  
Perfect, a pure paragon!  
You can ask any Paul, Tak, or Rico  
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

TRISH, ENSEMBLE  
No one's fair like Winchell  
Got a glare like Winchell

TRISH  
Flawless dark finger waves in her hair like Winchell

WINCHELL  
Yes, my style is iconic, it's unsurprising

TRISH, ENSEMBLE  
My what a gal, that Winchell!  
Give five "hurrahs!"  
Give twelve "hip-hips!"

TRISH  
Winchell is the best  
And the rest are all drips

LEANN  
No one fights like Winchell  
Censors slights like Winchell

TRISH  
No one vibrates and stares at bright lights like Winchell

CITY COUNCIL  
No one has a complexion as flawless

WINCHELL  
I do exfoliate, and it shows

TRISH  
No one knows more on singing to mosses

WINCHELL  
That's right!  
How else can you stimulate mosses to grow?

ENSEMBLE  
No one charts like Winchell  
Backs the arts like Winchell

TRISH  
In a game of darts no one throws darts like Winchell

WINCHELL  
I do best under rules of my own devising

ENSEMBLE  
Ten points for Winchell!

WINCHELL  
When I was a child I had four cups of joe  
Every day to help keep me adept  
And now that I'm grown I have five espressos  
Can't recall the last time that I slept!

ENSEMBLE  
No one croons like Winchell  
Doubts the moon like Winchell

TRISH  
Then goes handing out colored balloons like Winchell

WINCHELL  
I use bloodstones in all my accessorizing!

ENSEMBLE  
My what a gal  
Winchell!


	26. Song XXVI - "Lullaby" (Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Lullaby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KarpYKlSIag)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/scarletpimpernelthe/lullaby.htm)) from _The Scarlet Pimpernel_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/92247013210/song-xxvi-lullaby-cecil).)

CECIL  
Close your eyes, go to sleep  
Lay your head on down beside me  
Slumber deep, recover from your day  
If you ever lose your way  
May the nonexistent angels  
Track you down, come to take you home  
Sleep tonight, my Carlos, you are home  
You and I together make a home


	27. Song XXVII - "We'd Like To Thank You Brownstone Spire" (Hannah, Lucy, Steve, ensemble)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[We'd Like To Thank You Herbert Hoover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAgm13acwoI)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/annie/wedliketothankyouherberthoover.htm)) from _Annie_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/92340012422/chapter-27-song-xxvii-wed-like-to-thank-you).)

ALL  
Today our town is getting bought up  
Today we're paid in Strexcorp marks

HANNAH  
We're losing customers aplenty  
And not to the Dog Park

BARITONES  
But hey, at least there's not much blood loss

SOPRANOS/ALTOS  
At least they're not importing bread

STEVE  
At least my kids aren't failing scrying

ALL  
So bow all your heads  
We'd like to thank you, Brownstone Spire  
You've been so merciful today  
We'd like to thank you, Brownstone Spire  
For your acceptance when we say

You could have made it so much worse here  
Made us regretful, scared, and lost  
And left us desperate to please you  
Yes! At any cost!

Instead you take our pleas and prayers  
Our cries of thanks and our shaloms  
And once we've done sufficient shaking  
You let us go home

Although we can't pronounce your slogan  
Oh, Brownstone Spire, you're so nice:  
What we can give, with human limits,  
You let that suffice!  
Oh, Spire:

SOPRANOS/ALTOS  
You sit, imposing, on the skyline

ALL  
Your base all strewn with jagged stones

BARITONES  
You want a sacrifice?

LUCY  
We'll make one  
You want a freebie ice cream cone?

ALL  
All during our Thanksgiving dinners  
We couldn't keep you off our minds  
But through the turkey and the stuffing  
You were all too kind:

We'd like to thank you, Brownstone Spire (Thank you, Spire)  
For sparing us another year

BARITONES  
You blaze of glory

SOPRANOS/ALTOS  
From a quarry

ALL  
Left us safe and well today  
Thank you, thank you, Spire!


	28. Song XXVIII - "Weaponry" (Tamika)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Weaponry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3H18bkKyG8)" ([lyrics](http://phineasandferb.wikia.com/wiki/Weaponry)) from _Phineas and Ferb_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/92739211913/song-xxviii-weaponry-tamika).)

TAMIKA  
Weaponry  
It's the way to get it done  
Weaponry  
It's effective and it's fun!  
If you want them all to flee you, every boss and racketeer  
Give their acquisitions up and slink away in fear  
State your wishes in a language that they all can hear  
With weaponry  
Am I clear?

Put slingshots on your shopping list  
Get guns and ammo in our midst  
We'll use our books as clubs if they persist  
When there are no cops around  
Shoot their helicopters down  
Watch out, you're aiming from the wrist

Just to beat 'em up is not enough  
And we can't let them call our bluff  
We've got to be prepared to play this rough  
They're causing fatalities  
In our municipality  
So we must, forthwith, threaten them with

Weaponry  
We won't stop until they leave  
Weaponry  
You can do it, just believe!  
If we're gonna banish our invaders somewhere far away  
We have to make them see that we are not in this to play  
And the fastest way to put our dedication on display  
Is W-E-A-P-O-N-R-Y:  
Weaponry!  
Start today!


	29. Song XXIX - "Defying Management" (Cecil, Maureen, Tamika, Strex Security)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Defying Gravity](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlMBcTGJ4YM)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/wicked/defyinggravity.htm)) from _Wicked_.
> 
> [Recorded version by gwen-chan](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/97007827171/gwen-chan-the-fact-that-my-voice-is-horribly)!
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/92928638515/song-xxix-defying-management-cecil-maureen).)

MAUREEN  
Cecil, listen to me. Just do some groveling.  
Like you groveled to the Spire, and  
Other entities before  
I'm sure that you can still appease them

CECIL  
I know  
But I can't please them  
No - I won't please them anymore

Something has changed within me  
Something is not the same  
I'm through with playing by the rules of my new bosses' game  
No more self-censorship here  
No hiding who I support  
I'll just hotwire the tower, patch in, and...report

It's time to try defying management  
I think I'll try defying management  
And they can't shut me down!

MAUREEN  
Can't I make you understand?  
You're having delusions of grandeur

CECIL  
I'm through accepting limits  
'Cause Strexcorp says they're so  
The people need a Voice  
That tells them what they need to know!  
Too long I've been content to  
Leave the fight to our heroes  
No more of that! It's time to make our feelings known  
Starting with my defying management  
I've picked a side, I'm defying management  
And they can't shut me down

Night Vale...can you hear me? Don't keep waiting on heroes. Take action.

Unlimited  
Together we're unlimited  
Together there's nothing we could try that has to fail  
Night Vale  
Nothing we can't weather

TAMIKA  
If we work together

BOTH  
There's no fight we cannot win  
With you and I, defying management  
Our battle cry, defying management

TAMIKA  
They'll never bring us down!

CECIL  
Listeners, if you're there...

I might go "missing"  
If I get caught at this  
I hope I won't be missed  
You don't need my assistance  
To be starting a resistance  
It's up to you to make the choice  
It's up to you, not your Voice

TAMIKA  
If you still care to find me  
Look to the western sky!  
As I read somewhere lately:  
It's not of a cold that I shall die!  
And if we're flying solo  
At least we're flying free  
To those who'd ground us  
Take a message back from me  
It's not just I who's defying management  
Come join our side, defying management  
Until we've taken back our town!  
And nobody from Desert Bluffs  
No company that is or was  
Is ever gonna bring me down!

MAUREEN  
I hope you're happy!

STREX SECURITY  
She's that girl who's missing!  
Get her!

TAMIKA  
Bring me down!

STREX SECURITY  
We care for the missing  
So we've got to bring her

TAMIKA  
Oh-whoa-ah-oh!

STREX SECURITY  
Down!


	30. Song XXX - "What Is This Feeling?" (Lauren, Cecil, StrexChorusTM)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[What Is This Feeling?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Onk6a6qGHI)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/wicked/whatisthisfeeling.htm)) from _Wicked_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/93215009258/song-xxx-what-is-this-feeling-lauren-cecil).)

LAUREN  
Dearest perfectest Desert Bluffs besties

CECIL  
My dear Carlos

BOTH  
You know I'm experienced, years of working in the biz

CECIL  
So I'll cope with our new bosses

LAUREN  
So of course, I'll smile regardless

BOTH  
For I know that's how you'd want me to respond  
But: there has been some friction, see, my new co-worker is

LAUREN  
Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe

CECIL  
Blonde.

LAUREN  
What is this feeling, so sudden and new

CECIL  
I felt the moment I laid eyes on you

LAUREN  
My pulse is rushing

CECIL  
My head is reeling

LAUREN  
My face is flushing

BOTH  
What is this feeling?  
Fervid as a flame  
Does it have a name?  
Yes  
Loathing!  
Unadulterated loathing

LAUREN  
For your eyes

CECIL  
Your smile

LAUREN  
Your clothing

BOTH  
Let's just say - I loathe it all  
Ev'ry little trait, however small  
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl  
With simple utter loathing  
There's a strange exhilaration  
In such total detestation  
It's so pure, so strong  
Though I do admit it came on fast  
Still I do believe that it can last  
And I will be loathing, loathing you  
My whole life long!

STREXCHORUSTM  
Dearest Lauren, you must be so stressed  
To supervise someone so profitless  
Unproductive, inefficient  
Can't think why they don't just fire 'im  
Bring in someone more proficient

LAUREN  
Well: I'm sure that corporate knows best!

EMPLOYEES  
Poor dear Lauren, forced to abide  
Co-workers with no company pride  
We all just want to tell you, we're all on your side  
We share your

CECIL AND LAUREN / STREXCHORUSTM  
What is this feeling / Loathing  
So sudden and new? / Unadulterated loathing  
I felt the moment / For his eyes, his voice  
I laid eyes on you / His clothing  
My pulse is rushing / Let's just say  
My head is reeling / We loathe it all  
Oh, what is this feeling? / Ev'ry little trait  
Does it have a name? / Makes our very flesh  
Yes / Begin to crawl  
Ahhh...

ALL  
Loathing!

CECIL AND LAUREN / STREXCHORUSTM  
There's a strange exhilaration / Loathing  
In such total detestation / Loathing  
So pure, so strong / Loathing

EMPLOYEES  
So strong!

CECIL AND LAUREN / STREXCHORUSTM  
Though I do admit it came on fast  
Still I do believe that it can last  
And I will be loathing / Loathing  
For forever loathing / Loathing  
Truly deeply loathing / Loathing you  
My whole life long! / Loathing, unadulterated loathing

CECIL  
Boo!

LAUREN  
Eek!


	31. Song XXXI - "Working For The Big Boys" (Lauren, Daniel, Strexcorp Lawyers)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Playing With The Big Boys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxyOTFQFWQ0)" ([lyrics](http://www.metrolyrics.com/playing-with-the-big-boys-lyrics-steve-martin-martin-short.html?ModPagespeed=noscript)) from _Prince of Egypt_ (as suggested — just in time! — by gwen-chan).
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/94823012066/chapter-31-song-xxxi-working-for-the-big-boys).)

STREX LAWYERS  
By the contract, it says...

Book two, part ten  
Section fifteen, heading forty  
Subsection one, paragraph three  
Sub-paragraph twenty  
Page two, clause four, subclause thirteen  
Footnote twenty!

Book one, part five  
Section eighteen, heading seven  
Sub-paragraph thirty-seven  
Clause eleven, subclause four-B  
Footnote twenty-six, sub-footnote one!

DANIEL  
So you think since you're locally famous  
All the power in this job lies with you

LAUREN  
Well, forgive us these smiles on our faces  
You'll know what power is when we are through

DANIEL  
You're working for the big boys now

LAUREN  
Working for the big boys now  
All of our investors

DANIEL  
Guarantee the best, you're  
Working for the big boys now

BOTH  
You're working for the big boys now  
You're working for the big boys now

DANIEL  
No, we can't just end you

LAUREN  
But we can suspend you!

BOTH  
Up to two weeks, starting now!  
It's too late to renege, boy  
You're working for the big boys now!

STREX LAWYERS  
By the contract, it says...  
Book two, part ten  
Section fifteen, heading forty  
Subsection one, paragraph three  
Sub-paragraph twenty  
Page two, clause four, subclause thirteen,  
Footnote twenty!

BOTH  
You're working for the big boys now  
You're working for the big boys now  
We can make a transfer  
From another branch, for  
An expense that's pre-endowed!

DANIEL  
You put up a front

LAUREN  
You put up a fight

DANIEL  
But now we will, with great delight

LAUREN  
Exercise our legal right

DANIEL  
To bring a new host around

BOTH  
This isn't just your gig, boy  
You're working for the big boys  
Working with the big boys now!


	32. Song XXXII - "You Okay Honey?" (Carlos, Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[You Okay Honey?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3THmR5SGQU)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/rent/youokayhoney.htm)) from _RENT_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/94935464336/chapter-32-song-xxxii-you-okay-honey-carlos).)

NEIGHBOR  
Corporate shills are losing  
Corporate shills are losing  
Corporate shills are losing  
Somewhere else!  
Not here

CARLOS  
You okay honey?

CECIL  
Suspended, that's all

CARLOS  
How are you for money?

CECIL  
Fine  
Can still pay my bills  
They're aiming where it hurts  
Tryin' to take my pride!

CARLOS  
Hey, come on inside  
You hungry?

CECIL  
Hungry...?  
Indeed  
I haven't had the time to eat  
Does that mean, Carlos — you're cooking  
For me?

CARLOS  
Was thinking takeout, but that's fine! I'll cook.  
Do we still have black pepper in the cupboard?  
Wait — I'm thinking about the cupboards at home  
Do you have garlic, or chrysoberyl, or sea foam?

CECIL  
Takeout's fine

CARLOS  
Great! I'll pour you some wine  
Try to relax, like you should  
Arby's good? I'll call

CECIL  
Do you need the menu?

CARLOS  
For them? Not at all!  
I've got it memorized, no sweat  
And I'll never forget


	33. Song XXXIII - "You And Me (But Mostly Me)" (Kevin, Carlo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[You And Me (But Mostly Me)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MEQ7KmpsBk)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/bookofmormonthe/youandmebutmostlyme.htm)) from _The Book of Mormon_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/95029081900/song-xxxiii-you-and-me-but-mostly-me-kevin).)

KEVIN  
I've always had the hope  
That on the day I go to heaven  
Our Smiling God will shake my hand and say:  
"You've done an awesome job, Kevin!"  
Now it's our time to go out...

CARLO  
My best friend...

KEVIN  
And set that town's people free!  
And we can do it together, you and me  
But mostly me!  
You and me, but mostly me  
Are gonna change Night Vale forever  
'Cause I can do most anything

CARLO  
And I can walk after you and mop!

KEVIN  
Every surgeon needs a scrub tech  
CEOs need their PAs

CARLO  
Yes, sir!

KEVIN  
And in this financial climate...

CARLO  
Sure, boss, I don't need a raise!

BOTH  
We're seeing eye-to-lack-of-eye  
It's so great, we can agree,  
That our Smiling God has chosen you and me

KEVIN  
Just mostly me!  
Something incredible  
I'll do something incredible  
I'll be the Strex employee that changed all of mankind

CARLO  
My best friend...

KEVIN  
On Night Vale radio  
As a host, I know  
I'll do something incredible that blows God's freaking mind!

BOTH  
And as long as we stick together

CARLO / KEVIN  
And I clean up in your wake! / Clean in my wake!

CARLO  
We can change the world

BOTH  
Forever!

CARLO / KEVIN  
And make each day a productive day! / Mostly me!

CARLO  
Let's quit singing about it

BOTH  
And do it!  
How ready and psyched are we?  
Life is about to change for you  
And life is about to change for me  
And life is about to change for you and me

KEVIN  
But me, mostly!  
And there's no limit to what we can do  
Me and you...  
But mostly me!


	34. Song XXXIV - "Healthy, Normal Strexcorp Employee" (Lauren, Daniel, Leann, bloggers, StrexChorusTM)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Healthy, Normal American Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bls_2aPAdKw)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/byebyebirdie/healthynormalamericanboy.htm)) from _Bye Bye Birdie_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/95289377816/song-xxxiv-healthy-normal-strexcorp-employee).)

LEANN  
He's coming! He's coming! Our substitute host is coming!  
Hey Kevin, how about answering a few questions?  
How do you feel about working in Night Vale?

DANIEL  
Ha ha ha, how does he feel? You ask how he feels  
He's much too shy to tell you, so I'll tell you how he feels  
He feels: brave and eager, strangely humble, proud to work and keen to please

LAUREN  
He can't wait to meet the locals, on behalf of our trustees

STREXCHORUSTM  
For he's a fine, hard-working, patriotic, healthy, normal Strexcorp employee!

DANIEL  
And that's why, when Cecil's on vacation...

BLOGGER 1  
Vacation? I thought he was suspended!

BLOGGER 2  
And you laughed while you threw him out!

LAUREN  
Sing!

STREXCHORUSTM  
We love you Kevin! Oh yes we do  
We love you Kevin, and we'll be true  
When you're not near us, we're blue  
Oh, Kevin, we love you

DANIEL  
Very nice!

BLOGGER 2  
Say, what's the deal with that maniacal smile, Kevin? Any chance you're deranged?

LAUREN  
Ha ha...Is he deranged? Is Kevin deranged?  
There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's deranged

DANIEL  
He's excited, full of fervor, glad to have you folks around  
And if you can't understand that, maybe you don't love your town

STREXCHORUSTM  
For he's a fine, hard-working, patriotic, healthy, normal Strexcorp employee!

BLOGGER 1  
So why is he covered in blood?

DANIEL  
Sing!

STREXCHORUSTM  
We love you Kevin! Oh yes we do  
We love you Kevin, and we'll be true

BLOGGER 2  
Hey Ms. Mallard, give us a scoop, is Kevin deliberately mis-medicated?

LAUREN  
Now listen here! This gossip is cruel  
He's on a healthy dosage, Strex-developed and retooled

DANIEL  
He's efficient as machinery

LAUREN  
He's as happy as can be  
He's excited to work overtime  
And he'll decorate for free!

STREXCHORUSTM  
For he's a fine, hard-working, patriotic, healthy, normal Strexcorp employee!

BLOGGER 1  
Is it true that you grew Kevin in a laboratory?

LAUREN & DANIEL  
That's a lie! A lie through and through  
I'll tell you where he came from, here's the story and it's true

LAUREN  
He was born in California

DANIEL  
He was born in eastern China

LAUREN  
Son of startup partners there

DANIEL  
To a foreign CEO

LAUREN  
Sold the company for millions  
Paid cross-country travel fares

DANIEL  
When the bubble burst in '90  
Assets overseas were sold

LAUREN  
First on planes, then trains, he traveled  
The American Southwest

DANIEL  
With the market left in pieces  
They moved back to the US

LAUREN  
Bought a Strexcorp car in Utah

DANIEL  
Got their son a Strexcorp sales job

LAUREN  
And fate took care of the rest!

DANIEL  
And I'm sure you know the rest!

DANIEL & LAUREN / STREXCHORUSTM  
Oh beautiful for spacious skies / We love you, Kevin! Oh, yes we do  
For amber waves of grain / We love you, Kevin, and we'll be true  
America, America / When you're not with us, we're blue  
God shed His grace on thee / Oh, oh, Kevin, we love you

ALL  
For he's a fine, hard-working, sane and modest, patriotic, healthy, normal Strexcorp employee!


	35. Song XXXV - "Lost In The Spiral" (Vithya)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Lost In The Darkness](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1HwpyQPE14)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/jekyllhyde/lostinthedarkness.htm)) from _Jekyll & Hyde_.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/95379120726/song-xxxv-lost-in-the-spiral-vithya).)

VITHYA  
Lost in the ruin  
Triangles surround you  
Once, people lived here  
They've gone away

Don't think they meant to  
I think someone took them  
I think they were victims  
Of some foul play

Please try to hear me  
Just watch and stay near me  
Come out of the spiral  
Where you'll be all right

You don't know I'm here, but  
I'll never desert you  
I promise you this  
I won't give up the fight


	36. Song XXXVI - "Mr. Cellophane" (Man in the Tan Jacket)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Mr. Cellophane](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rVduc2svzU)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/chicago/mrcellophane.htm)) from _Chicago_ \-- by popular demand! Poetry, Gen, and thatguywiththewhitespot all suggested it.
> 
> ([Reblog on Tumblr](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/95571214520/song-xxxvi-mr-cellophane-man-in-the-tan-jacket).)

MAN IN THE TAN JACKET  
That's the story of my life. Nobody knows I'm around. Not even my own family.

If someone begged the Brownstone Spire  
To set their neighbor's house afire  
And tangoed through the burning lawn  
You'd notice him

If someone on the radio  
Yelled "No more censors on my show  
The battle lines have now been drawn!"  
You'd notice him

And even without whipping out a pen  
Everyone gets noticed, now and then  
Unless, of course, that personage should be  
A person with the curse that lies on me

Cellophane, Mister Cellophane  
Shoulda been my name, Mister Cellophane  
'Cause you can talk right to me, but then look through me  
And just forget I'm there

I tell ya, Cellophane, Mister Cellophane  
Shoulda been my name, Mister Cellophane  
'Cause you can talk right to me, but then look through me  
And just forget I'm there

Suppose you was a station cat  
And interns brought you milk and rats  
And brushed your spines and scratched your ears  
You'd notice them

Suppose you was a Councillor  
And had to fight off protestors  
With mallets, each election year  
You'd notice them

A human being's made of more than air  
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there  
Unless that human bein' next to you  
Is unremembered, cursed, tormented you-know-who

Cellophane, Mister Cellophane  
Shoulda been my name, Mister Cellophane  
'Cause you can talk right to me, but then look through me  
And just forget I'm there

I tell ya, Cellophane, Mister Cellophane  
Shoulda been my name, Mister Cellophane  
'Cause you can talk right to me, but then look through me  
And just forget I'm there  
Totally forget I'm there

Hope I didn't take up too much of your time


	37. Song XXXVII - "Close Every Door" (Dana, Masked Army)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Close Every Door](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVWpgmiIbas)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/josephandtheamazingtechnicolordreamcoat/closeeverydoor.htm)) from _Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/97823824071/song-xxxvii-close-every-door-dana-masked) on Tumblr.)

DANA  
Close every door to me, hide my own world from me  
Lock me in this world, trapped under the light  
Set ancient traps for me, hurt me and laugh at me  
Blind me in daytime and burn through my night  
If my journey was just for me, I'd ask to be home and free  
But I know my purpose is more in this world  
Close every door to me, keep those I love from me  
Children of Night Vale are never alone  
For I know I shall find my own peace of mind  
As long as I fight for a town of my own

MASKED ARMY  
Close every door to me, hide my own world from me  
Lock me in this world, trapped under the light

DANA  
Just give me a break room floor plaque with my name  
Forget all about me, while I'm far away  
I do not matter, I'm only one person  
What matters is keeping my dear hometown safe  
If my journey was just for me, I'd ask to be home and free  
But I know my purpose is more in this world

DANA, MASKED ARMY  
Close every door to me, keep those I love from me  
Children of Night Vale are never alone!  
For we know we shall find our own peace of mind  
As long as we fight for a town of our own!


	38. Song XXXVIII - "Oh, What A Good Perfect Morning" (Kevin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Oh What A Beautiful Morning](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNEUtN21cuU)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/oklahoma/ohwhatabeautifulmorning.htm)) from _Oklahoma!_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/97984928449/song-xxxviii-oh-what-a-good-perfect-morning) on Tumblr.)

KEVIN  
I've been thinking a lot about meadows  
I've been thinking a lot about meadows  
The sun is so bright, it's the happiest sight  
And it fills me right up with productive delight

Oh, what a good perfect morning!  
Oh, what a good perfect day  
I've got a good perfect feeling  
Everything's going my way

All the people are watching, not smiling  
At least, I don't think that that's smiling  
They're strange and imperfect in our sister town  
But our own Smiling God sure could turn that around

Oh, what a good perfect morning!  
Oh, what a good perfect day  
I've got a good perfect feeling  
Everything's going my way

All the sounds of commerce are like music  
Mass-produced and commercialized music  
And the city can't take any tax off the top  
If most of the locals don't own their own shops

Oh, what a good perfect morning!  
Oh, what a good perfect day  
I've got a good perfect feeling  
Everything's going my way  
Oh, what a good perfect day!


	39. Song XXXIX - "Throw It Out" (Kevin, Cecil, Carlo, customers)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Turn It Off](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2Xs9Z5gsHU)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/bookofmormonthe/turnitoff.htm)) from _The Book of Mormon_ (hat tip to krg and vraik for the suggestion!).
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/98321582912/song-xxxix-throw-it-out-kevin-cecil-carlo) on Tumblr.)

KEVIN  
I got a feeling that you could be feeling  
A whole lot better then you feel today  
You say you got a problem, well that's no problem  
It's super easy not to feel that way!

When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head  
Stop, and install some better thoughts instead

Throw it out  
Get an upgrade, with one click  
It's a cool little Strexcorp trick  
We do it all the time  
When you're feeling certain feelings, and cannot bear to smile  
Treat those feelings like a phone that's fallen out of style  
And throw 'em out  
Get a new set that feels nice  
At the Strex competitive price  
Throw it out!

KEVIN, CARLO  
Throw it out!

CARLO  
When I first got to town, everything brought me down  
Didn't think monopolies were fair to build  
And all the smiling, I wasn't buying  
When startups, oh, and people were so frequently killed

They brought me downtown, and said, don't you panic  
We get this bug a lot in units all-organic

KEVIN, CARLO, CUSTOMERS  
Throw it out  
Get an upgrade, with one click  
It's our nifty little Strexcorp trick  
Throw it out  
Throw it out!

KEVIN  
Vanessa is an intern, and such a kidder  
She always has a joke to start the day  
And when I was called to this Night Vale job  
She wished me luck in just the nicest way

I'll tell her about you at the office tomorrow  
She died, oh, years ago, but when that brings me sorrow...

KEVIN, CARLO  
I throw it out! Yeah  
Bid those sad feelings adieu

KEVIN  
I know she'll love to hear about you!

KEVIN, CUSTOMERS  
I really don't recall much farther back at all  
Not sure about my childhood or family  
I can't exactly miss it, but sometimes I just wish it  
Could have some kind of presence in my memory

It isn't productive, it's just distracting  
When I wonder if my past might have something lacking...

Whoa!  
Throw it out, get an upgrade  
There, it's gone!

CARLO  
Good for you!

KEVIN  
My good-employee side won!  
I'm all better now

CARLO  
We all have the future, and it's ours to share  
Don't think about the past; there's nothing useful there  
Throw it out

CECIL  
Well, Kevin, I think it's healthy if you're feeling upset. That's normal, if you've lost something.

KEVIN / CUSTOMERS  
No! Why waste feeling on something that's gone?  
It'll slow you down every day / Each day!  
You can't be productive that way / No way!

CECIL  
There's more to life —

KEVIN  
Working under Strex, we've all been so blessed:  
If anything stops you from doing your best

KEVIN, CARLO, CUSTOMERS  
You throw it out  
Throw it out!

KEVIN  
You feeling better yet?

CECIL  
Nope

KEVIN  
There's a product that can help, I bet!  
You want a catalog?  
Strex makes a whole selection of mood enhancers  
And I can guarantee  
You'll LOVE IT! Like me!

CECIL  
My mood does not need any Strex enhancement.

KEVIN  
All right! It worked!

KEVIN, CARLO, CUSTOMERS  
Yay!  
Throw it out, throw it out  
Get an upgrade, with one click click!  
What a cool little Strexcorp trick! Trick trick!  
We do it all the time!  
When you're sad or having doubts, or things just don't seem right  
Don't settle for a system lagged with pain and fright  
Throw it out!  
There's an upgrade to spring for!  
Now he isn't sad anymore!  
Throw it, throw it, throw it, throw it  
Throw it...  
Throw it out!


	40. Song XL - "Little Brother" (Cecil's brother)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Little Brothers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EETGwAYoHgU)" ([lyrics](http://phineasandferb.wikia.com/wiki/Little_Brothers)) from _Phineas and Ferb_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/98504137901/song-xl-little-brother-cecils-brother) on Tumblr.)

CECIL'S BROTHER  
Little brother  
I was seven when you first came home  
Already, Mother  
Knew the role you'd have when grown

Even now that you're the Voice  
You will always be my  
Little brother  
'Cause you're younger, we're related, and we're boys

You'd remember if I had the choice  
You would know that you're my  
Little brother  
'Cause you're younger, we're related, and we're boys  
Little brother  
Little brother...


	41. Song XLI - "Test It In The Morning" (Carlos, Cecil, Rochelle, Dave, Li Hua)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Call Back In The Morning](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD5uOv8VstU)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/littleshopofhorrors/callbackinthemorning.htm#)) from _Little Shop of Horrors_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/98905536628/song-xli-test-it-in-the-morning-carlos) on Tumblr.)

ROCHELLE  
Extra proteins catalogued

LI HUA  
Nucleic acid analogues

CARLOS  
Visual receptors dimmed

DAVE  
Implants in the paralim-  
-bic cortex, forming neural bonds

ROCHELLE  
All this goes so far beyond  
Are we sure it's not a con?

DAVE  
We'll be testing this all evening

CARLOS  
Just a sec

Hey, Cecil  
Come with me, Cecil  
Some of these data sets and notes, well, they suggest  
That they cloned you  
Kevin's a cloned you  
We can confirm it if we take your DNA and do some tests  
Can we start by drawing some blood?

SCIENTISTS  
That sterile yet? / Help me out?  
Let's check / Hold this out  
Where'd they even get this tech? / Just a minute  
No one could have built these circuits yet / Where's that IV?  
But the eyes / Hey, cool  
Ew, those eyes / Let's model the molecules  
That isn't right! / Those enchantments would be hard to get

CARLOS  
We'll figure out everything about this  
That's what makes us Night Vale's favorite scientists!

LI HUA  
Synthetic DNA ligase:  
It must have been accelerated

ROCHELLE  
How'd this pass the F.D.A.'s  
Required ethics protocols?

DAVE  
Did they code this all in B?  
Is this nineteen seventy?

CARLOS  
Is this boring you? I'm sorry, dear  
Wait, let me check the clearing factor

ROCHELLE  
Carlos, about Kevin —

CARLOS  
Yeah? That's what this all has been about

ROCHELLE  
Someone's got to talk to him  
Would the station let you in?

CARLOS  
If I tell them it's for science

ROCHELLE  
Want our help?

CARLOS  
No! Self-reliance

LI HUA  
Substituted cathinone

DAVE  
Might need samples out of bone

LI HUA  
Ought to try electric shock

CECIL  
People, please, it's ten o'clock!  
Test it in the morning, won't you?

ROCHELLE  
Test it in the morning, should we?

DAVE  
Test it in the morning, can we?

CARLOS  
Pick this up tomorrow, sure, we'll  
Test it in the morning!


	42. Song XLII - "A Little Clerk" (Tamika, Lucy, Hannah, Book Club)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[A Little Priest](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGzpzJ4fzGY)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/sweeneytoddthedemonbarberoffleetstreet/alittlepriest.htm)) from _Sweeney Todd_ (as suggested by hungarianlanterns!).
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/99091117275/song-xlii-a-little-clerk-tamika-lucy) on Tumblr.)

LUCY  
Seems a downright shame  
Throwing them away  
Said I wouldn't touch  
Strex products. Right?  
But, but  
Meant I wouldn't pay  
Efficiency's their game  
So let's game them back  
Put all these to use  
To produce —  
Well, you can deduce  
Why throw them away?  
I mean, with the local meat  
Prices high  
Soon we might not  
Even get it

TAMIKA  
Oh!

LUCY  
Good, you got it  
Take, for instance, Mr. Carlsberg, his repair job  
Pulls down Strexcorp cameras, takes the circuits out for free supplies  
Now a circuit or a lens is handy should the need arise  
But the first need anybody has is lunch

TAMIKA / LUCY  
Oh, Miz Lucy, what a clever notion / Well, it does seem a shame  
So efficient, even Strex would have to see the logic  
Oh, Miz Lucy, why we didn't think of this before, I'll never know  
How delectable! / Think about it  
Also undetectable! / Lots of other Strex officials will be coming after you  
How choice! / Won't they?  
How rare! / Think of all that lunch!

TAMIKA  
For what's the sound of the world out there?

BOOK CLUB  
What, Tamika? What, Tamika?  
What is that sound?

TAMIKA  
Those corporate slogans pervading the air

BOOK CLUB  
Yes, Tamika! Yes, Tamika!  
Yes, all around!

TAMIKA  
They're chewing through our local business

ALL  
So why should we have to chew any less?

LUCY  
Here we are. Hot off the grill.

KID #1  
What is that?

LUCY  
It's clerk  
Have a little clerk

KID #2  
Is it really good?

LUCY  
Just a bit overworked  
Sort of like accountant, it tends to be dry  
Least until it's fried

TAMIKA  
Do you have PA?

LUCY  
Came in late today

TAMIKA  
Oh well, I'm looking for a rich cut anyway

LUCY  
Darling, if we get CEO in,  
I'll make sure you know it, but first  
Try the clerk

President is nice

HANNAH  
Sure it isn't Vice?

LUCY  
No, because it's just been promoted  
Which adds just a soupçon of spice

HANNAH  
Been to the canteen?

LUCY  
All of them got fired — lawsuit pending  
Replaced by some vending machines  
Saddest thing I've seen  
Would've been delicious with ketchup and beans

HANNAH  
Is that a buyer  
On the fryer?

LUCY  
Mercy no, dear  
Look closer  
That's clearly stockholder

HANNAH  
Smells revolting  
Like consulting

LUCY  
I don't know where the stockholder's been

HANNAH  
The history of the world, my love

LUCY  
Save a lot of graves  
Do a lot of teen rebels favors

HANNAH  
Is common folk serving execs above

LUCY  
Who knows who we'll save  
While giving them something to savor?

HANNAH  
How gratifying for once to know

BOTH  
Executives will serve those down below

HANNAH  
What is that?

LUCY  
CECO  
Order it to-go  
And here's an assistant director  
He makes some respectable dough  
And I've just begun  
Here we have the head of security  
Slippery, for sure, but he's done

HANNAH  
Put it on a bun  
Strexcorp zero, teenage resistance force one

LUCY  
Try the foreman  
Or the doorman

HANNAH  
Did you, by any chance, pull  
Some cuts of financial?

LUCY  
CFO work?  
In the toaster

HANNAH  
You're the town's greatest wonder, bar none!  
Think we'll ever have 'radio supervisor' on the menu?  
We'll outrun that corporation yet

LUCY  
Yes, yes, I know, my love

HANNAH  
Think of the business this menu will get

LUCY  
In- and not-in-the-know, my love

HANNAH  
We'll serve the company after all  
Yes, we'll be serving it  
To the rest of town

BOTH  
And to anyone  
At all!


	43. Song XLIII - "Everything Is Perfect" (Kevin, Carlos, StrexChorusTM)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Everything's Alright](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeeKZ9vnknI)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/jesuschristsuperstar/everythingsalright.htm)) from _Jesus Christ Superstar_ (suggested by ivoryandwines).
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/100173675330/song-xliii-everything-is-perfect-kevin) on Tumblr.)

KEVIN  
Try not to get worried, dwelling on your problems  
And your imperfect self, oh  
Don't you know  
Everything is perfect, everything's fine  
For the Smiling God loves you tonight  
Your reflection in its smile is bright  
For a while, try to smile and forget all your problems tonight

STREXCHORUSTM  
Everything is perfect  
Everything is perfect

KEVIN  
Trouble in your romance, stress with a co-worker?  
Believe you can let it go  
Then you'll feel  
Everything is perfect, everything's fine  
Make the most of what you have to give  
Live the full potential you can live  
Try to smile, try to smile, forget your imperfect self tonight

STREXCHORUSTM  
Everything is perfect  
Everything is perfect

CARLOS  
Humans are imperfect, and that's how it should be  
You can only fix it so far!  
Even if they hurt you, you don't have the right to  
Forcibly change who they are!  
Stresses I can work through, flaws I can get used to  
And nothing is wrong with my hair!

KEVIN  
Try not to get angry, try not to feel any  
Negative emotions, oh  
Don't you know  
Everything is perfect, everything's fine  
For the Smiling God loves you tonight  
Your reflection in its smile is bright  
You can smile, you can smile and kill your imperfect self tonight

CARLOS  
When you say imperfect, you mean unproductive  
How did you get that concept?  
Is it how you're managed? Think why they might say that  
Have you ever second-guessed?  
Your god is not loving, your bosses are not caring  
All they love, all they care for is their bottom line!

KEVIN  
Try not to get worried, dwelling on your problems  
Asking all these questions, oh  
Don't you know  
Everything is perfect, everything's fine  
Make the most of what you have to give  
Live the full potential you can live  
Try to smile, try to smile, forget your imperfect self tonight

KEVIN / STREXCHORUSTM  
You can smile, you can smile / Everything is perfect  
Know the Smiling God loves you tonight / Everything is perfect  
You can smile, you can smile / Everything is perfect  
Know the Smiling God loves you... / Everything is perfect


	44. Song XLIV - "Intern Maureen" (Maureen, Lauren, Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Tango: Maureen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFhIo8VOolE)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/rent/tangomaureen.htm)) from _RENT_ (hat tip to Jarenth for the suggestion!).
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/99270118396/song-xliv-intern-maureen-maureen-lauren) on Tumblr.)

CECIL  
The samples won't delay  
But the cable —

MAUREEN  
There's another way  
Say something — anything

CECIL  
Welcome to Night —

MAUREEN  
Anything but that

LAUREN  
She's so mean

CECIL  
She's mean

LAUREN  
Really mean

CECIL  
Pretty mean

LAUREN  
I don't know why that girl is so hostile  
All this work will look great  
Put on her résumé  
You would think she'd at least fake a smile

CECIL  
Rolls her eyes when you ask  
For the simplest of tasks  
And is late when she's making your caffeine?

LAUREN  
So it isn't just me?

CECIL  
Though I hate to agree  
That's all on Intern Maureen  
Our Intern Maureen  
Can't imagine why she acts so stressed  
Our training's extensive

LAUREN  
So true

CECIL  
And inexpensive

LAUREN  
Be glad you're employed

CECIL  
When she's proofreading scripts  
She could beta some fic  
I don't think that's too big a request

LAUREN  
Sounds like a simple routine

CECIL, LAUREN  
For Intern Maureen

CECIL  
Have you caught her rolling her eyes  
When saying 'Yes, boss'?

LAUREN  
Seen it

CECIL  
Have you told her to compromise, and she —

LAUREN  
— said it's...our loss  
Does she frown when you bring up her dog?

CECIL  
Don't know why! He's just too cute

LAUREN  
It was fine the first twenty times. Why not now?  
It doesn't compute!  
How'd you learn to tango?

CECIL  
Weekend classes, sophomore year at Night Vale Community College. And you?

LAUREN  
Neural implant, last-minute upload before a particularly fancy Strexcorp stockholder gala.  
It's hard to do this backwards

CECIL  
You should try it in heels!

MAUREEN  
You monster

CECIL  
A monster?

MAUREEN  
You're both monsters

LAUREN  
That is not fair

MAUREEN  
I should consciously give up this charade

CECIL  
Gotta look on the bright side  
With all of your might

MAUREEN  
What bright side? I'm not even paid!  
I keep dancing your dance  
Though there's little chance  
I'll make it unscathed through this role  
And if I didn't need  
College credit so bad  
I wouldn't still be here at all!

CECIL, LAUREN  
Not Intern Maureen  
With her broadcasting major half-done  
However we test her  
She'll finish out the semester

LAUREN  
Do the Smiling God's chants

CECIL  
Sing to our station ants

CECIL, LAUREN  
She'll attack every task one by one

LAUREN  
Surprised she's not a machine

CECIL  
I hope her death's at least clean

MAUREEN  
Try the mic

CECIL, LAUREN  
Our Maureen

MAUREEN  
And we're patched!

CECIL, LAUREN  
Our Intern Maureen!


	45. Song XLV - "Chim Chim Cher-ee" (Marcus Vansten, Forty-Piece Children's Choir)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Chim Chim Cher-ee (Rooftop Duet)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vjDMjgHaSQ)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/marypoppins/chimchimchereerooftopduet.htm)) from _Mary Poppins_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/99660233236/song-xlv-chim-chim-cher-ee-marcus-vansten) on Tumblr.)

MARCUS  
Toddlers of Night Vale, come follow your dreams  
By earning a wage: become a chimney sweep  
I have chimneys to spare, you can work day and night  
And get your folks out of their financial plights  
What else were you gonna do today, right?

Always wanted to be a sweep, haven't you? Enroll at the Night Vale Preschool Chimney Sweep Academy. It'll put a smile on good old Marcus Vansten's face.

I have chimneys on every last one of my homes  
And my offices, mall, hangar bays, and moon domes  
I strap chimneys to peddlers, to dance for their keep  
You wanna be peddlers, or wanna be sweeps?

CHOIR  
Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey chim chim cher-ee  
To sweep Marcus' chimneys, how great would that be  
Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey chim chim cher-oo  
He's such a nice guy...he might shake hands with you

MARCUS  
And not only that, but I'll pay you kids, too

But not at adult rates or anything. I mean, you're all like, what, four? Let's not get crazy here.

CHOIR  
Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey chim chim cher-ee  
To sweep Marcus' chimneys, how great would that be  
Chim, chim, chim chim cher-ee  
When you learn to sweep, you're in glad company  
Nowhere can you find a happier crew  
Than children who sing, "Chim cher-ee, chim cher-oo!"  
Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-ee, chim —

MARCUS  
Oh, by the way! I'm running for Mayor or whatever.

So yeah. That's happening. And obviously I'm gonna get it, because, c'mon.

That's all. Okay, thanks. Is the song over yet?


	46. Song XLVI - "It's The Library" (Librarians, Tamika, Book Club)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[This Is Halloween](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAXMtUCcp7o)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/nightmarebeforechristmas/thisishalloween.htm)) from _The Nightmare Before Christmas_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/99859020549/song-xlvi-its-the-library-librarians) on Tumblr.)

LIBRARIAN CHORUS  
Boys and girls of every age  
Look sharp before turning the page  
It's not safe to sit and read  
With us in the library

It's the library, it's the library  
Children scream, vanished in the stacks  
It's the library, grim and deadly as can be  
Want to live? Then your friends had better watch your backs!  
Come on in, and prepare to scream  
With us in the library

MEDIA LIBRARIAN  
I am the one in the media room  
Sharp teeth shining out of the gloom

REFERENCE LIBRARIAN  
I am the one at the reference desk  
Furry green face and body that's grotesque

LIBRARIAN CHORUS  
It's the library, it's the library  
Library! Library! Library! Library!  
At this job where we roam  
Everyone, hide when you hear us come

TAMIKA  
Need that book, where's my grappling hook?  
Keep a careful lookout for the next surprise

BOOK CLUB  
Round that corner: run! In the YA section  
Archivists are lurking now, and how they'll pounce!

TAMIKA  
It's the library, run by LIS degrees

BOOK CLUB  
Aren't you scared?

TAMIKA  
Yes, that's just smart

BOOK CLUB  
Sneak inside, creep about, hope that they don't find us out  
Hide from the creak of a wheeled book cart  
Everybody scream, everybody scream  
With us in the library

INSTRUCTION LIBRARIAN  
I help to teach at an ESL class  
Pounce on the weak and vanish in a flash

SYSTEMS LIBRARIAN  
I just upgraded the database  
Now I am coming to eat your face

COLLECTION DEVELOPMENT LIBRARIAN  
I keep our new collections up-to-date  
Get in my way and you'll seal your fate

LIBRARIAN CHORUS  
It's the library, it's the library  
Library! Library! Library! Library! (Library! Library!)  
Sweet young readers everywhere  
Try one book and you'll be ensnared  
Without you, how would we eat  
Working at the library?

TAMIKA  
Sneak about, till we can check out  
Show your card and run until you get outside

LIBRARIAN CHORUS  
See the due date, and don't let them be late  
Or you might find one day we show up outside your home!

BOOK CLUB  
It's the library? Doesn't scare me  
Not when we are led by a very special gal  
Our Tamika, she isn't scared of ya  
We are all protected by the Summer Reader

LIBRARIAN CHORUS  
It's the library, it's the library  
Library! Library! Library! Library!

TAMIKA  
At this job where they roam  
Librarians hide when they hear us come


	47. Song XLVII - "Who Will Bid?" (Secret Police auctioneers, Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Who Will Buy?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW6CfSQIzOk)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/oliver/whowillbuy.htm)) from _Oliver!_
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/100426840948/song-xlvii-who-will-bid-secret-police) on Tumblr.)

DAGGER AUCTIONEER  
Who bids on these flying daggers?  
Perfect for a maniac  
Who bids on these flying daggers?  
Perfect for a maniac

COIN AUCTIONEER  
Will you bid on some coins, if they're glowing?  
Bid on coins, if they're glowing?

DAGGER AUCTIONEER  
Who bids on these flying daggers?

COIN AUCTIONEER  
Bid on coins, if they're glowing?

LOT 4 AUCTIONEER  
Perfect for a maniac

GUN AUCTIONEER  
Elvis .45s  
Elvis .45s  
Elvis .45s

COIN AUCTIONEER  
Bid on coins, if they're glowing?

DAGGER AUCTIONEER  
Who bids on these flying daggers?

COMICS AUCTIONEER  
Near-mint X-Men  
Bid on X-Men 3?  
Near-mint X-Men  
Bid on X-Men 3?

ALL FOUR  
Who will bid? Who will bid?

CECIL  
Who will bid on lot thirty-seven?  
There was no description to see

DAGGER AUCTIONEER  
Who bids on these flying daggers?

CECIL  
I don't know how I will survive it  
Not knowing what this lot could be

GUN AUCTIONEER  
Elvis .45s

CECIL  
Oh, when I tried to call and ask for  
A photo of the lot  
They only laughed at me and cackled  
So what choice have I got?

COIN AUCTIONEER  
Bid on coins?

CECIL  
Who will bid on lot thirty-seven?  
I'm so scared, I swear I can't breathe

COMICS AUCTIONEER  
Near-mint X-Men

GUN AUCTIONEER  
Elvis .45s

CECIL  
Me, oh my! I can't bear to lose it  
My vision's gone unclear — how did I end up here?  
Oh, who would want to bid on me?

ALL FOUR  
Who will bid? Who will bid?  
Who will bid? Who will bid?

AUCTIONEERS  
Who will bid on lot thirty-seven?  
There was no description to see  
I don't know how I will survive it  
Not knowing what this lot could be

And now the room is going blurry  
My heart throbs loud and slow  
How can I focus through this worry?  
Is it my turn to go?

Who will bid on lot thirty-seven?  
I'm so scared, I swear I can't breathe  
Me, oh my! I can't bear to lose it  
My vision's gone unclear — how did I end up here?  
Oh, who would want to bid on me?

And now the room is going blurry  
My heart throbs loud and slow  
How can I focus through this worry?  
Is it my turn to go?

[Dance interlude.]

CECIL, AUCTIONEERS  
But who bid on lot thirty-seven?  
Missed it in the panic and tears  
Me, oh my! How foolish, oh, Cecil  
I didn't see who won — and now the bidder's gone  
Who could have bid on me, me, me?


	48. Song XLVII - "What Have You Got To Say, Chad?" (Faceless Old Woman, Chad)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[What Have You Got To Say, Jeeves?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhVs37OCxrw)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/byjeeves/whathaveyougottosayjeeves.htm)) from _By Jeeves_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/100681427360/song-xlvii-what-have-you-got-to-say-chad) on Tumblr.)

FACELESS OLD WOMAN  
What have you got to say, Chad?  
What have you got to say?

I've been living in your home for your entire life  
Your whole floor is strewn with dirty clothes, you never clean your knives  
And I know the living spaces of all your apartment's flies  
You can't want to live this way, Chad  
Can't want to live this way

Why can't you clean up before you go out for a drink?  
You could comb your hair and put on some cologne for once, I think  
And why must you leave your beard hairs, Chad, all scattered in the sink?  
It's bordering on risqué, Chad  
Utterly déclassé

Never touch your cereal, no, your diet is absurd  
You have all the grace and polish of a dumb non-flying bird  
And your MP3 collection is the blandest I have heard  
I don't think it's an extreme reaction  
Thinking of this as a grave infraction  
Can you really call this satisfaction?  
You can't stop feeling lonely  
Talking to your plastic ponies!  
It's chaos and disarray, Chad  
Misery and dismay

Calling this a shambles is to understate the case  
Everyone in town is grimacing to hear of your disgrace  
I would roll my eyes right with them if I had eyes or a face  
So what have you got to say, Chad?  
What have you got to say?

CHAD  
I'm really getting sick of all these slights and accusations and  
This weary condescension toward my life and all my plans  
My habits when I'm here at home where no one should be watching me  
My lack of clear direction and my short attention span  
You watch, and I'll come up with something really unexpected that  
Will show you all! Oh, what is this, you don't believe I can?

You have my firm assurances that once I've done this ritual  
You'll all be reconsidering your callous words today  
It's only being put off till I finish with this sewing class  
And once I buy some candles, there will be no more delay  
I'm confident in saying that you'll all be sorry when it comes  
And that, ma'am, in conclusion, ma'am, is all I have to say!


	49. Song XLIX - "Literally A Dragon" (Hiram McDaniels)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[I Saw A Dragon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNHKmaFUrs4)" ([lyrics](http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/petesdragon/isawadragon.htm)) from _Pete's Dragon_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/100843937789/song-xlix-literally-a-dragon-hiram-mcdaniels) on Tumblr.)

HIRAM (GOLD)  
A dragon, a dragon  
I'm literally a dragon  
A multi-headed, feared and dreaded creature made for flight  
I'm happy to be here with you

HIRAM (PURPLE)  
...delicious puny mites!

HIRAM (GREEN)  
How can you think with just one head? It simply isn't right!

HIRAM (ALL)  
It's true, it's true  
I'm much more skilled than you  
It's true, it's true

HIRAM (GREEN)  
And I could eat you, too

HIRAM (GOLD)  
Oh, I may not be a perfect creature, but with all my flaws  
I'll stop at nothing till I run your town and make your laws

A dragon, a dragon  
I'm literally a dragon

HIRAM (BLUE)  
I know a lot of math and stuff, I'm good to have around

HIRAM (PURPLE)  
I don't go hiding secretly in every home in town

HIRAM (GREEN)  
If there's a threat, no need to fret, I'll come and burn it down

HIRAM (ALL)  
Vote me, vote me  
On this we all agree  
Vote me, vote me  
The choice is plain to see

A dragon, a dragon  
I'm literally a dragon

HIRAM (GREEN)  
Your human feelings are confusing

HIRAM (GOLD)  
But who really cares?

HIRAM (BLUE)  
I put that in my campaign slogan! Take a look, it's there

HIRAM (GREY)  
Please vote for me, it just might take the edge off my despair

HIRAM (ALL)  
Who better to be voting for  
who better, better, better, better than a  
Better than a dragon?  
A dragon!


	50. Song L - "Opening Statement #3" (Cecil, Marcus Vansten)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Tune Up #3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zGgDWOzDRY)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/rent/tuneup3.htm), nb: the originals are about suicide) from _RENT_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/100948482558/song-l-opening-statement-3-cecil-marcus) on Tumblr.)

CECIL  
I don't suppose you'd like to make some kind of opening statement? Address the people?

MARCUS  
Oh, sure, I guess I could do that

Hi there, I'm Marcus  
It doesn't matter if you vote  
I'm a billionaire  
So we all know that I'm gonna get this


	51. Song LI - "One More Angel" (Erika, Erikas, Marcus, Cecil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[One More Angel In Heaven](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlVZGrwkD54)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/josephandtheamazingtechnicolordreamcoat/onemoreangelinheaven.htm)) from _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/102230799259/song-li-one-more-angel-erika-erikas-marcus) on Tumblr.)

ERIKA  
Marcus, we've something to ask you  
A question for our time  
You say that you're okay and all  
But you could become divine

It's rare that angels, real or not,  
Need help, but now we do  
So if you were called on to serve  
A great good, then would you?

We need one more angel in heaven  
Need one more hand in the fight  
Marcus, we have a need for you  
It's tough but you're gonna get by

MARCUS  
There's one less mayoral write-in  
There's one more tear in my eye

ERIKA ENSEMBLE  
But Marcus, the things that you stood for  
Like gaudy materialism, never die

ERIKA  
When I think of the coming battle  
I start feeling concerned  
Our enemies are scary bright  
And we all? Might get burned  
Our hiding now is tribute to  
How nervous we all are  
But if you stand up when we call  
They can only get so far

CECIL  
There's one less mayoral write-in  
One less obscenely rich guy

ERIKA ENSEMBLE  
But Marcus, the things that you stood for

ERIKA  
Like...worker exploitation...never die

ERIKA ENSEMBLE  
Carve his name with pride and courage

ERIKA  
And be not afraid

ERIKA ENSEMBLE  
And please make sure his driver and  
Assistants still get paid


	52. Song LII - "A Normal World" (Trish Hidge, Pamela Winchell)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[A Whole New World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQzDVrTyXfU)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/aladdin/awholenewworld.htm)) from _Aladdin_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/102488934089/song-lii-a-normal-world-trish-hidge-pamela) on Tumblr.)

TRISH  
I can show you the world  
Sans political pressures  
Tell me, Mayor, now when did you last put the polls aside?

I can help you avoid  
Post-retirement blunders  
Show you all of the wonders on a secret cross-town ride

The normal world  
The common person's point of view  
No matter what you do, it's just for you  
No need for civic scheming

PAMELA  
A normal world  
No legislation to put through  
Worries are left behind, not on my mind  
Not when I'm in the normal world with you

TRISH  
When I'm in the normal world with you!

PAMELA  
Non-unknowable sights  
Non-soul-tarnishing feelings  
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling through an endless void-dark sky

A normal world

TRISH  
You'll have so much free time

PAMELA  
A hundred hobbies I could try

TRISH  
No more stress, no more meetings

PAMELA  
Life like I used to know, so long ago  
Can I go back to where I used to be?

TRISH  
The normal world

PAMELA  
No more plastic-bag crimes

TRISH  
No more dark forces to go through

PAMELA  
No more Blood Space War treaties

BOTH  
Can be someone else's job, when things go wrong  
To keep it from affecting me or you

TRISH  
A normal world

PAMELA  
A normal world

TRISH  
That's where we'll be

PAMELA  
That's where we'll be

TRISH  
When you retire

PAMELA  
All I'll desire

BOTH  
Is you with me


	53. Song LIII - "Trim Up The Tree" (Carlos, Rochelle, Li Hua, Scientists)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Trim Up The Tree](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-5SevCO1cs)" ([lyrics](http://christmas-specials.wikia.com/wiki/Trim_Up_the_Tree)) from _How The Grinch Stole Christmas!_
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/103822668072/song-liii-trim-up-the-tree-carlos-rochelle) on Tumblr.)

SCIENTISTS  
Trim up the house with Christmas stuff  
As much as we found at the Ralph's  
Trim up the eaves with stray moon rocks and feral-plastic fluff!

ROCHELLE  
Trim every spied-through window and trim every bloodstone door  
Hang lights with spider silk

SCIENTISTS  
What else are our spiders for?

LI HUA  
Soft meat crowns for every forehead  
Glowing pillars on the floor

CARLOS  
Set up a Christmas cactus hung with tinsel, teeth, and keys  
Christmas comes to Night Vale

SCIENTISTS  
Trim you, trim me!

Put up some angel ornaments  
Light candles with some winter scents  
Trim up the cop who comes around  
To take the angels down!  
(Offer the cop an extra soft meat crown!)

TENOR/BARITONE  
Trim up our house in Night Vale from the cellar to the roof  
Hang up a mean stone idol

SCIENTISTS  
And give him a hat or two!

SOPRANO/ALTO  
Pay respects to Mayor Winchell  
Put up lots of bright balloons

CARLOS  
To making homes in Night Vale, though we're still Outsiders too  
Christmas comes on Wednesday

SCIENTISTS  
Trim me, trim you! 

Trim up the house with Christmas stuff  
As much as we found at the Ralph's  
Trim up the eaves with stray moon rocks and feral-plastic fluff  
Hang on the cactus stray moon rocks and fluff!


	54. Song LIV - "Don't Argue With My Husband" (Cecil's Sister, Night Vale Parents)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Don't Tamper With My Sister](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3JppJcc_tI)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/onacleardayyoucanseeforever/donttamperwithmysister.htm)) from _On A Clear Day You Can See Forever_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/104200708475/song-liv-dont-argue-with-my-husband-cecils) on Tumblr.)

CECIL'S SISTER  
Don't argue with my husband  
Don't argue with my husband  
Don't argue with my husband on a dinner night  
The Council will survive it  
If Steve should criticize it  
So don't you fight my husband on a dinner night

Gripe about his scones  
Pick apart his short notation  
Say he should atone  
For his sins of punctuation  
But do it alone  
Don't bother your relations!

Carry on, old man  
Do your best to do your worst  
Yell about his van  
Say his bowling must be cursed  
Trash him all you can  
But do go elsewhere first!

PARENTS  
Do go elsewhere first!

CECIL'S SISTER  
Don't argue with my husband  
Don't argue with my husband  
Don't argue with my husband on a dinner night  
Go on about his, quote, 'crimes'  
In late-night or in prime-time  
But don't you fight my husband on a dinner night

PARENTS  
But don't you fight her husband on a dinner night

CECIL'S SISTER  
You know the missile tests  
Aren't secret in the least  
But can't you humor him once in a while?  
The government is managing its cover-ups  
They do not need you telling Steve to shut up

Your feelings do not give you license to be mean  
So don't you make a scene  
Don't let it show

My Steve believes he's on a mission  
I'm not asking that you listen  
Simply let it go!

PARENTS  
No, no, no, no, no!  
Don't argue with her husband  
Don't argue with her husband  
Don't argue with her husband on a dinner night

CECIL'S SISTER  
You might think it unfair, but  
You'll simply have to bear it

PARENTS  
Politeness, now  
Don't fight him now  
Don't argue with her husband on a dinner night


	55. Song LV - "What's This?" (Cecil, Carlos)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[What's This?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd8t1f1U2xs)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/n/nightmarebeforechristmas.htm)) from _The Nightmare Before Christmas_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/104425770499/song-lv-whats-this-cecil-carlos) on Tumblr.)

CECIL  
What's this? What's this?  
There's plastic everywhere  
What's this?  
A freezing gust of air?  
What's this?  
The leaves of plants that never grow in deserts  
So how are they growing there?  
What's this?

What's this? What's this?  
It's all in green and red  
What's this?  
It smells like gingerbread  
What's this?  
The house is strung with little lights, all blinking  
Hung in spiderwebs and twinkling  
Not sure what I should be thinking  
What is this?  
What's this?

You've summoned up a snowfall — I've never been in snow  
It's cold, but somehow, standing here, our cheeks are all aglow  
The tacky decorations seem to have a lot of heart  
And I don't think they're hungry, which is always a good start

Oh, look  
What's this?

CARLOS  
When under mistletoe  
You kiss

CECIL  
I like the sound of that  
But wait!  
You're sure that there's no risk we'd bring the house down  
Like we would on Valentine's?  
That's great!

What's this? In here?  
You're baking, oh, that's sweet  
Hang on  
Were these ones made with wheat?  
Not good!

But still, if that's a problem, I can't say  
That it comes from the holiday  
It's just an average broken law  
So, now, correct me if I'm wrong  
This looks like fun, this looks like fun  
And it just might be safe for kids!  
What's this?

Oh my, what now?  
It comes with fashion, too?  
And how!  
Look, bells are on my shoes  
They ring!  
And it is not destroying things to wear them  
Think I'll share that we can celebrate  
In relative protection...  
What's this!

The warning signs are missing, no disasters to be found  
A small one might come later, but I'm sure you'll keep the house  
No need for plastic sheeting or emergency supplies  
This just might be a holiday we won't fight for our lives...!

The sights, the sounds  
They're everywhere and all around  
I never have felt so relaxed  
At oncoming festivities  
Say, what is a nativity?  
I'm so excited that you did this, you don't even know  
When can we start, when can we start  
When does the party come around?  
What is this?


	56. Song LVI - "She's My Sister" (Cecil, Steve)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[She's My Sister](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmNjAA59Lg4)" ([more muffled version including the opening lines](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IFZDUCqck0)) ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/memphis/shesmysister.htm)) from _Memphis_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/104859657371/song-lvi-shes-my-sister-cecil-steve) on Tumblr.)

CECIL  
Now, I didn't mean to call you an un-American jerk  
Though you are an un-American jerk  
And I didn't mean to call you a human disaster  
Though I think you are a human disaster

My mom, she vanished into thin air  
She left me with my sister — not much more  
I had my Voice, I had a dream  
So I've worked full-time since I was sixteen  
For my sister  
My little sister

Followed the law, and I toed all the lines

STEVE  
I can't help knowing

CECIL  
We both stayed careful, and we both grew up fine

STEVE  
Can't fake not seeing

CECIL  
You can't put her at risk here

STEVE  
That's her job to decide

CECIL  
You think I would take that as an excuse if she died?

STEVE  
Listen, there's something you just don't understand

CECIL  
Oh yeah, I understand you're a dangerous man

STEVE  
I love your sister, really I do

CECIL  
You think I've missed that? Or missed that she loves you?  
But here in Night Vale...

The danger is deep that you wanna put her in  
I don't care about you but she's my sister!  
I'm a peace-loving man, a soldier not at all  
But you can bet I'll protect my baby sister  
Oh-oh-oh, she's my one remaining flesh and blood  
Be careful with the one I love  
She's my sister!


	57. Song LVII - "Non-Fatal Ice Cream" (Hannah and Lucy Gutierrez)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Vanilla Ice Cream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3XCdM-2Vic)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/shelovesme/vanillaicecream.htm)) from _She Loves Me_.
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/105370945501/song-lvii-non-fatal-ice-cream-hannah-and-lucy) on Tumblr.)

HANNAH  
I am so sorry about my town  
Overreacting in such a way  
But together you and I  
Will laugh at this fight some day

LUCY  
Ice cream  
I've made them ice cream  
Non-fatal ice cream: imagine that

Ice cream  
I know their orders  
Who won't eat insects, who takes low-fat

Money  
They'll give me money  
But not respect! Why is that the deal?

Will insults never cease, will slander never cease  
It's been a most frustrating day  
Will put-downs never cease, disgraces never cease

HANNAH  
It isn't fair

I am so sorry about my town  
Overreacting in such a way  
But together you and I  
Will laugh at this fight some day

Our loyal patrons, they know that's wrong  
I've heard them saying that you seem cursed  
...That you seem nice  
An interloper hardly at all  
Oh my...  
I am so sorry about my town

LUCY  
This town  
Can be so vicious  
Sure, Strex deserves it, but even so

Night Vale  
Should be my home now  
But is it really? I just don't know

Sometimes  
I'd like to move back  
To California, out by the sea

Where skies are always blue  
And rain sometimes comes through  
And forests don't have talking trees

As strange as it would seem  
We still could chase our dreams  
There's no one you can't sell non-fatal ice cream


	58. Song LVIII - "The Smell of Rebellion" (Lauren, Book Club, StrexChorus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[The Smell of Rebellion](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8B9yfdR8po)" ([lyrics](http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/matilda/thesmellofrebellion.htm)) from _Matilda_ (suggested, ages ago, by chess_ka!).
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/105646949770/song-lviii-the-smell-of-rebellion-lauren) on Tumblr.)

LAUREN  
This town, you see, has long been reeking  
Quiet, peons, when I'm speaking!  
Reeking with an unproductive scent  
They try to hide so you won't smell it  
But I've picked it up by now:  
It is the odor of rebellion  
It's the bouquet of dissent

Don't just sit back and hector  
This director  
For this faction of objectors  
All so olfactorily insulting  
You want to stop the stench's spread  
Then we must think and plan ahead  
To sort the merely rank from the revolting

The smell of rebellion comes out in the sweat  
Let's make laws to get them sweating  
Then it won't be long before we smell the pong  
Of aiding and abetting!

We must make examples of those who  
Have their heads full of rebellious thoughts  
Show them who's calling the shots  
Pull the noose just a little bit tighter

(BOOK CLUB)  
(One, two, three, four...)

The smell of rebellion, the stench of revolt  
The reek of insubordination

(Finished this book, give me more!  
One, two, three, four...)

The whiff of resistance, the pong of dissent  
The funk of mutiny in action

(Aim just right!)

Like children's teeth when growing in uneven  
You really need to force them into line  
That means you!  
Push them straight, make them smile  
Lock them in single file  
And make them swear they're fine!

(One, two, three, four...)

The whiff of insurgence, the stench of intent  
The reek of pre-pubescent protest

(We'll take this fight!  
One, two, three, four...)

The funk of defiance, the odor of coup  
The waft of anarchy in progress

(We won't take it any more!)

We have got to get a move on  
For the Smiling God's approval  
Some double-time discipline  
So imperfections won't get in!

All right, let's step it up. Double-time.

One, two, three, four!  
Discipline, discipline  
For citizens not listening, employees who are dissidents  
And sneaking insubordination in oration from our station  
Need a permanent vacation, or at least a greater state of discipline

Let's order, not request, to get perfection and get discipline  
Rejecting this direction where the skeptics and objectors win  
Use all the weapons in our deck, neglected though the bulk have been  
Till we correct the local lack of discipline

The Smiling God non-worshipping, the loving of imperfect things  
Protestors using weapons: it's an issue we can fix  
We'll have to work together better, but the answer is no mystery  
It's discipline, discipline, discipline!

(Discipline!)

The smell of rebellion, the stench of revolt  
The reek of pre-pubescent plotting  
The whiff of resistance, the pong of dissent  
The funk of moral fiber rotting

Imagine a world where we've won this  
Close your eyes and just...dream  
Imagine. Come on, try it  
The peace and the quiet  
The blinding sunbeams  
Now imagine this small hamlet bulldozed  
A new city built on these plains  
Its buildings perfect, and each room bedecked  
With the rebels' imperfect remains  
Where we can pray to achieve our potential! Yes  
And have it fulfilled every day. Yes!  
The Smiling God's form  
Will descend, keep us warm  
And show us the way

But we can't have that till we hold  
The rebels under our control!

No matter how inefficient they seem  
They're dangerous when in a team  
Have you ever seen anything more repellent?  
Have you ever smelled anything worse than

LAUREN (STREXCHORUSTM)  
That smell of rebellion? (Discipline, discipline, no more sidestepping)  
The stench of revolt (Children need discipline, corporate safekeeping)  
The reek of insubordination (If you're mischieving, she'll sniff you out)  
(Girl and Boy Scouts will be out of protection)  
The whiff of resistance (Discipline, discipline, no soft-pedaling)  
The pong of dissent (Children need discipline, maybe some beheading)

And we will not stop till they are squashed  
Till this rebellion is quashed  
Till sunny, perfect discipline has washed  
This sickening scent  
Away!


	59. Song LVIX - "I'll Never Tell" (Cecil, Carlos)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[I'll Never Tell](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2cOkvrBbfw)" ([lyrics](http://faculty.fmcc.suny.edu/mcdarby/Pages/BuffyLyrics.htm#I%27LL%20NEVER%20TELL)) from the _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ episode "Once More With Feeling."
> 
> ([Rebloggable version](http://bicatperson.tumblr.com/post/106431769372/song-lvix-ill-never-tell-cecil-carlos) on Tumblr.)

CECIL  
This is the man that I plan to move in with  
Isn't he fine?  
I used to stay locked away at the station  
All of the time  
But now, to my delight  
I've found the new light of my life  
There's just one problem, I...  
I’ll never tell

CARLOS  
He is the one, fascinating and fun  
Mysterious and strange  
Once I was wary, scared, unprepared  
He helped that to change  
Can't ever let him go  
Not when there's so much I don't know  
The only thing is...no  
I’ll never tell

BOTH  
'Cause there's nothing to tell

CECIL  
His fugues

CARLOS  
His stewing

CECIL  
And have you heard his chewing?

CARLOS  
Leaves voicemails in this cooing that I can't transcribe

CECIL  
I talk, he tunes out

CARLOS  
He gets mad when the moon's out

CECIL  
Then claims something needs doing at the lab all night!

BOTH  
The vibe gets kind of scary

CARLOS  
Like it's only temporary

CECIL  
Like I'm being too contrary

CARLOS  
Like it's just because I'm hairy

BOTH  
But it's all very well  
The beams know I'll never tell!

CECIL  
He clings to science  
And talks up self-reliance  
It's really just a license  
To run off when he wants

CARLOS  
He clings, he's needy  
His spice rack makes me queasy  
He never—

CECIL  
His clothes are seedy

CARLOS  
This is my verse, come on!  
He—

CECIL  
No time! This is a dance number now!

BOTH  
You know

CARLOS  
Just want you near, oh

CECIL  
My science hero

CARLOS  
The most interesting person  
I have ever lived or worked with  
And I'm sure that that will never change

CECIL  
You're swell

CARLOS  
You're sweller

CECIL  
You'll always be my fella

CARLOS  
That's why I’ll never tell ya that I’m petrified

CECIL  
I've tried my hardest  
But I know you're the smart one  
You talk too fast and I start feeling lost inside

BOTH  
I lied, I said it's easy  
I’ve tried, but there's these fears I can't quell

CARLOS  
Just how often have I let him down?

CECIL  
Is he really okay in this town?

CARLOS  
If I miss another date, will  
He get even more resentful?

CECIL  
If he finds out all about me  
Will he move somewhere without me?

CARLOS  
Am I crazy?

CECIL  
Am I stupid?

CARLOS  
Will we hate it when we move in?

BOTH  
We could make cohabitation twenty new kinds of hell  
So, thank the beams, I won't tell  
I swear that I’ll never tell

CECIL  
Drank to forget

CARLOS  
I take the fifth

CECIL  
Nothing to see, move it along

BOTH  
I’ll never tell!


	60. Song LVX - "Be Italian" (The Woman From Italy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "[Be Italian](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foqgaD6-ERI)" ([lyrics](http://www.lyricsmania.com/be_italian_lyrics_fergie.html)) from _Nine_.

THE WOMAN  
So you little Night Valean rebel, you want to know about destruction? The Woman from Italy will tell you. If you want to destroy a lot of people, you take a page out of my book, because it is in my blood.

Be Italian, be Italian  
Track them down and smoke them out from where they hide  
Be Italian, be Italian  
Hear no pleading! That's an insult to their pride  
Be uncaring, and unsparing  
Don't be moved by disapproval or by pain  
Go on smiling as they're dying  
Resurrect a few to do it all again!  
Ha!  
Be a poison, be a nightmare  
Leave despair and devastation in your wake  
Be Italian, be Italian  
Till your name alone's enough to make them quake!

Hey!  
Be a poison, be a nightmare  
Leave despair and devastation in your wake  
Be Italian, be Italian  
Till your name alone's enough to make them quake!


	61. Song LVXI - "Rent" (Carlos, Tamika, Cecil, Maureen, Hannah, Lucy, Steve, Janice, Cecil's sister)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of the eponymous "[Rent](http://artists.letssingit.com/rent-lyrics-rent-qrz2z5f)" ([movie version lyrics](http://artists.letssingit.com/rent-lyrics-rent-qrz2z5f)) from _RENT_.

CARLOS  
How do you do objective research  
When your world's getting less objective each day?  
Strex is sordid, protests thwarted  
Now this order: to keep your job, pay  
Rent!

TAMIKA  
How do you fight a war  
When your troops are sore  
And all your allies underground?  
When the public support  
Inclines to Strexcorp  
How do you bring the scared around?

HANNAH  
Almost emptied the freezer

LUCY  
We can't let them seize 'er

CARLOS, LUCY, HANNAH  
How we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay  
Strexcorp's rent?

CECIL  
How do you share the news  
When there's so much to lose  
If you don't stick to the company line?

MAUREEN  
How do you not lose your soul  
When they've seized all control

CECIL, MAUREEN  
And they own your time?

CECIL  
Say it on the down-low

MAUREEN  
With ciphers

CECIL  
And Morse code

CECIL, MAUREEN  
How we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay  
Strexcorp's rent?

STEVE  
How do you let your kids go  
Step away, although you just can't know  
If they're coming back?  
"Dad, leave me alone," oh gosh, how she's grown  
Wait, what's that drone — they're coming — the attack!

JANICE  
Where is Dad?

DELPHINE  
This could be bad

DELPHINE, JANICE, STEVE, KIDS  
How we gonna save what, how we gonna save what, how we gonna save what  
Strexcorp's rent?

HANNAH  
Look forward to our great service blowing your mind

LUCY  
You're sure to hear our name a lot today on Yelp

HANNAH, LUCY  
Come in as we leave the food gig behind  
Find out what else our business can do

NIGHT VALE CITIZENS  
How do you stand up for what's right  
When they keep finding ways to get to your heart?  
With threats or pay or death, they'll tear you inside-out till you're torn apart  
Rent!

TAMIKA, CARLOS, SCIENTISTS, KIDS  
How can you connect in an age  
Where strangers, landlords, lovers, your own bloodstones betray?

ALL  
What binds the fabric together  
When the raging hands of corporate change keep ripping away?

TAMIKA  
Draw a line in the sand  
Night Vale, make a stand

CITIZEN #1  
Don't stay out of the fight

CITIZEN #2  
This ends tonight

ALL  
They're not so tough in Desert Bluffs

CARLOS, SCIENTISTS  
We're not gonna pay

NIGHT VALE CITIZENS  
We're not gonna pay

ALL  
We're not gonna pay Strexcorp's rent  
This month's rent  
Next month's rent  
Rent, rent, rent, rent, rent  
We're not gonna pay rent  
'Cause everything is rent


End file.
